The difference between sex & making love – part 2

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The difference between sex & making love – part 2

Many people are now starting to understand that there is a difference between sex and making love.

Once we identify that there is a difference and we want to experience the possibility of making love, how do we start to make the change?

Although making love is a completely natural expression and the sexual act is an activity that takes its place amongst all our other activities; in our society, sex has been blown up and taken out of context. It has become a separate and very desirable ‘thing’. If we are to change our way of being with sex it can be helpful to understand that sex can be an area that is often not clear within us and therefore it needs examination.

This comes in part from the fact that very few people will have been brought up with an open, loving, informed approach to sex and making love. We will also have learnt from observing and feeling the way our parents relate to each other, and how they are with the sexual aspect of their relationship (although it may be hidden) will have a big impact on us but possibly not consciously. We will have been very lucky if, whilst we were growing up, someone has regularly sat down and spoken to us about sex, lovemaking and the profound aspects of it in a way that is true and deeply meaningful for us.

Meanwhile, what we learn about sex from religion, films, TV, video clips, magazines, novels, advertising, and our friends in the schoolyard is anything but true.

And so, we come to sex itself burdened and layered with ideals and beliefs that we may not know we have. Many of our feelings of self-worth are attached to sex and the sexual act for example. These hidden agendas colour our sexual behaviours and attitudes and what we bring to the bedroom.

Perhaps one of the first things to understand is that our sex lives do not exist in their own little bubble apart from everything else.

Our sexual activity, and how open and loving we can be together in the sexual act, how deep we can go, and whether we are really able to make love is directly linked to how we spend the rest of the time with ourselves, our partners and everyone else. This can be contrary to what we may unconsciously believe – how common is the idea of make-up sex (after a fight) for example?

However we are not going to be able to truly make love with our partner if:

  • we have been shouting at each other
  • we feel ignored,
  • we feel taken for granted
  • we feel hurt about something unexpressed,
  • or, if we are seeking relief from the stress of our jobs (or anything else)

Yes, you can have sex while feeling all these things but there is a difference between sex and making love. It may be the same physical act but there is an entirely different quality and feeling when we are really making love together.

So think about it, if your partner has been dismissive of you during the day and then approaches you sexually in the evening how do you really feel about that? Or perhaps it’s the other way around.

It is important to be very honest with yourself when you approach having sex or making love and discover what it is that is motivating you. Do you truly want to connect deeply with your partner? Are you trying to please them? Or are you looking for something for yourself? Do you want relief? – An orgasm or emotional comfort perhaps?

Being honest about where we are at will make a very big difference and start to generate change and help us to learn the difference between sex and making love.

Of course not to forget that how we are together during the rest of the day is vitally important too.

Other articles that you may enjoy:
Making Love vs Having Sex 101

Porn Addiction - What are we Missing Out on?


Filed under

RelationshipsSexMaking love

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    By Josephine Bell, Cert IV Massage, Certificate Counselling, Cert III Children’s Services

    Mature woman, partner, friend, writer, editor, lover of the ancient wisdom, people and nature. My particular interest long-term has been women’s health and wellbeing, and what it is to live as a true woman in the world today.