My life – discovering that there is so much more
My life – discovering that there is so much more
In 1970, at the age of 16, I had a car accident. Of the four passengers two died, the driver was taken to hospital and survived after many operations, and I was also declared dead. I was put in the coolroom with a sheet over my face and whole body, dark blue from head to toe and left for dead. Somehow a hospital worker discovered that in fact I was still alive, but only just, and I needed to be revived several times.
What I experienced at the time were several different states of being outside of my body. I felt myself floating like a feather down into a valley with a waterfall; I felt my heart starting again and sensed the ambulance driver next to me. I saw my body lying on a table and at times I felt like I could communicate with my boyfriend (one of the passengers) as if we were in the same brain (communication without delay), where he told me he was not going back. There was no emotion in the communication from him or me, just acceptance and a stillness which I called love.
Another time I saw my mother standing there, looking at my body in the bed with sadness, yet I was feeling a sense of total stillness, joy, happiness, freedom from pain. I recall feeling confused that my mother could be sad and not see my happiness.
It was three months before I regained my memory and full consciousness.
At the time I was so young and was sure that I would be locked up if I ever talked about these otherworldly experiences. People looked at me differently after the accident and I felt that everyone was lying all the time. I could feel that the expression on people’s faces did not match what they were thinking or feeling. I began to question myself and felt trapped by the thought that there was something wrong with me.
Since that time I have searched and suffered in the quest to find the ‘real me’ and reconnect to the beauty I had touched but did not feel able to share. Inside I always had a deep longing to live in these spaces of freedom, love and fearlessness. Very intensely I tried to find light in all the ugliness in the world and to find my heart. I was only 23 then but I knew that the only way to find harmony was to find myself. I just did not know what that meant or how to do it.
I looked into old scriptures, read Rabindranath Tagore, studied the mind and tried to understand mental diseases, read The Tibetan Book of the Dead, and the book Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse led me to meditation. Then, in 1975, two friends died in another car accident and I went to a psychologist to deal with the grief. He used Tarot cards and other unconventional methods to help me resolve my issues. I started to feel better by realising that even my migraines were related to psychological issues and holding patterns. I trusted this man until he broke that trust and I could not go back.
I resented living in Germany and felt that everyone was so busy and not really listening or interested in looking deeper into personality/soul and beliefs. I started to get splitting headaches whenever I talked about my car accident and questioned that there must be something more to life – that there must be a deeper reason why we are here.
I said to myself: “Ok, it is just me and me alone who is responsible for my life, I have to find myself before I can help others or can have children or even keep on living … there must be an answer somewhere.”
It came to the point that I decided to sell everything and leave Germany to live in Australia, and when my flight to Australia got cancelled, I went to India to find myself. I met an Indian teacher who I felt accepted me the way I was. Everything he said made sense and I trusted him. But on some level he seemed to be protected and unreachable. The question ‘who am I?’ was a big part of his teachings and I did all sorts of groups, meditations, active and inactive, sat for days in a black room without the feeling of time or day and night, lay in Samadhi tanks, did courses, groups and worked in the Ashram. It was a very important and revealing time and I had many experiences, but I did not feel connected with the people around me. I did ask a question about my car accident and the separation from the body and the answer was that I was very fortunate that I had experienced that I am not the body, that I was consciousness and that this was all I could learn in the ashram – that it did not matter if I was in Hamburg, Bombay or Sydney, I was this consciousness everywhere.
Yet, I knew that something was not right and that it was not totally true. I still felt like I was in the wrong place, no matter where I was and felt stranger than ever. If my experience in the accident was so great, why did I not feel great? Since my experience in the accident I had felt that the emotions which are called love, are not love. To me love was a total acceptance of what is without trying to change it or put words, descriptions to it. I always knew it was a deep feeling inside which cannot even be called a feeling; as soon as one starts to talk about it all these emotions seem to latch on to it.
So I accepted that I am alone and once again set off to learn a new profession. I qualified as a Cranio-Sacral Therapy practitioner. During the sessions I realised that the state of going deep inside the feeling of the cranial rhythm, into a stillness, and being without any judgment brought me very close to what I was looking for. Some amazing healing happened but when I was not doing the sessions I felt at a loss and disconnected because people around me could not understand me and I was not really interested in all the things and subjects that people would get excited about.
So I lived many years in the world with this feeling of not being completely here. I was waiting for something to happen, a sign for the next step that would bring me clarity and connection with something...
A few years ago I went to Vietnam to meet my best friend who I have been close to since high school. She was participating in a Retreat and we spent some time together beforehand. I met people from Germany who were also doing the Retreat and I felt connected with these people whom I had never met before. It was amazing to feel that it is possible to have such open-hearted conversations with people I hardly knew. I left when the Retreat began and decided that I would participate the following year.
At that Retreat I met Serge Benhayon. I discussed the experience with Serge of when I was declared dead, and how it felt like when my boyfriend and I were in the same space, a wonderful totally free feeling of non-emotional love and that it seemed that I decided to go back into my body and he wanted to stay in this beautiful space. So he did not come back and I totally accepted his decision. Serge said that we always are held by God and The Hierarchy* who are looking after everyone.
I had never felt so held as I did when I was experiencing this. In talking to Serge, I realised that what I was looking for was the connection to my soul. I knew that this was the answer and that through the teachings presented by Serge I can learn and live in the true way that I always have longed for.
Since then I have read and participated in courses presented by Serge, I have used the Gentle Breath MeditationTM and listened to talks on accepting my imperfections, my beauty and grandness and bringing understanding to everything. I am learning the importance of self-worth and trusting the truth that I can feel.
Everything makes more sense in my life and I feel love in my body for what some might say is no reason, but my heart often feels like it holds so much joy and expansion just for being. Now I understand that I simply feel connected to my essence at those times and I can celebrate just being me. Just like that.
At the end of last year, I stopped my car at an orange traffic light at a very big and busy intersection. The car behind me did not stop and pushed me into the middle of the intersection. I felt my hands on the steering wheel, being pressed into the seat and my whole body was tingling. I thought, ‘wow, this car is great, I feel totally supported’. Apart from a small shock and damage to the car, nothing serious did happen.
So I feel I have completed the circle – from going out of my body to now living in my body and seeing this as the truth. I know there is a truthfulness that comes from my body and a joy from being inside my body, not trying to find a solution outside of it.
My life makes sense and now I can be me for the first time and I feel free. I do not feel lost anymore and sometimes magic happens in my life and my work and I trust that I am held by The Hierarchy. I know that if I can learn to be connected inside my body every moment, I will die the same way as I have lived and pass over to the next phase of being.
I know that passing over into another phase is just like stepping over the edge. Serge has helped me to see that the past experiences and my life have shown me the way and that there is nothing to be afraid of – I am held in the palms of God. All I have to do is stay truthful and be the best I can, allowing myself to feel the truth in every moment.
For now my life once again begins as I am beginning to learn about the Livingness in energetic truth. I feel that death will be the celebration of a life lived in grace and truth and that it can be wonderful to step over into a new form of being and to be able to do so much more.
* The term ‘The Hierarchy’ represents our brothers and sisters who have ascended to a higher state of being.