Relationships are always about evolving – the key to making relationships work
Relationships are always about evolving – the key to making relationships work
This article is a deeper study and reflection on Relationships.
Something that you can hear quite frequently when people break up in a relationship are the reasonings: “We just grew apart” or “We've changed so much since we got together … we didn't have anything in common anymore”. The accepted view is that it's quite normal to go your own separate ways when you find you are no longer on the same path together, when you feel there is a lack of growth, or your choices of how you want to live in your relationship become conflicting. However sometimes these moments of change and tension in the relationship signify an important opportunity for both parties to step up and explore what is underneath the discord and bring about a healing that would initiate a new and deeper level of loving.
The disharmony can be simply a crossroads moment in the relationship that is calling for an upgrade or refining of a way of relating together; a letting go of what is in the way of being more loving with each other so as to precipitate growth and a path forward in connection that has greater clarity and truth. So what is the key to making relationships work?
How Evolution relates to our Relationships
At a Relationships Workshop presented by Serge Benhayon in July 2016, he shared a teaching that is inherently known and yet not consciously committed to by most people in relationships – an age-old teaching that all relationships are about evolving. This means that in any relationship, at all times there is a constant energetic pull – like the gravitational pull on Earth – that is asking us to grow, to develop, and to expand. This pull is compelling, like a silent continual invitation to deepen your relationship with yourself and your Divine Essence, taking on more responsibility to evolve to your highest potential as a human being, living, expressing and embracing love in all relationships. Of course our choice to initiate this call to evolve – or once initiated, decide to answer the call – is always free will.
True Evolution in relationships comes from responding to the evolutionary pull from our Soul, a transcendence to a higher level of relating in relationships that originates from our own investigation of a relationship with our Divinity. When you are prepared to open up to and explore your inner-heart and its inherent qualities of Love, Truth, Harmony, Joy, and Stillness, the beauty and intelligence of these qualities, if awakened to and embodied, cannot but have a powerful effect on the way you will live and view every relationship you are in. It would be impossible from this position not to witness the devastating lack of love we are all choosing to live in our relationships.
What could happen in global relationships if we responded to this evolutionary call?
Worldwide we are consumed in a refugee crisis that reveals our beliefs about having our countries bordered and controlled, our nationalities separated and celebrated for their differences. Yet even a six year old at school knows the fundamental truth that humanity should live in Harmony and live connected, not separate. What is the lesson that the refugee crisis and the displacement of so many people worldwide is offering us about relationships?
The evolutionary pull and responsibility here is that we have to move to a greater viewpoint of acceptance as human beings that we are all interconnected and interdependent and belong to one brotherhood; we are not just individuals living in separation that should have to fend for ourselves. Where is the love and understanding for one another in that?
Let’s make it personal!
In every relationship, at any given moment (of which there are thousands of possibilities) there is an opportunity to respond to and undertake a renewal. This begins first with your relationship with yourself. Every day delivers many moments that are abundant with lessons to learn about ourselves, one another and us in the world, which if worked through with commitment help us to live our greater potential. To take advantage of these moments you have to become more of an observer of yourself in relationships and bring a level of honesty to assessing and reading how you actually are relating and contributing to everyone.
Just consider, for example, ‘Are you letting people in?’ In other words, ‘Do you let other people love you, and treat you lovingly?’
If you were to work at understanding what’s in this lesson for you and connect to what it is teaching you, you can facilitate going to a next level of learning, feel an awakening from this, then expand in awareness. This naturally brings an evolution to you that then can be shared equally in the relationship. If you are shut off to the lesson you will limit the amount of receptivity to your own personal realisations, inner wisdom and connection to intelligence.
It is widely understood and appreciated that we require growth to live in a healthy, loving relationship; it's not just about getting cozy in a comfortable position of, ‘We don't have to work at our relationship anymore, now that we have found love!’ Yet plenty of people get stuck in and opt for this comfort, ignorant of the fact that this can dangerously cap the relationship, paralysing people in a Groundhog Day level of existence.
When you are in relationship with anyone you begin an unseen contract that has you, even on a ‘particle’ level in your body, in communication with another, together. Everything is Energy, so the science of relationships is that we cannot escape being in correspondence with each other all of the time. Whether you are willing to acknowledge it or not, you are learning lessons about yourself, one another, and love. These lessons may ask you many questions, for example:
Who are you, and why did I meet you?
Why do I feel the way I do when I am with you?
How close should I get with you, and can I trust you?
Would I share my life with you?
What is the nature of our Relationship?
What are we doing together?
Are you ‘the one’?
And the all-important (but not often asked), ‘What is our purpose together?’
Rather than dismiss the evidence mounting in these moments to learn more about yourself and another, why not undertake the challenge to explore what has become the present focus and not deviate from dealing with what is there to communicate. The pull to evolve in relationships is always present – we cannot escape it despite how much we avoid it and bury the opportunities to work through it together. What we fail to appreciate is how inner-strengthening it is to resolve these tensions and the next level of understanding we get to as human beings working through our stuff/issues. Awareness, and our expansion in awareness, is so self-empowering and fulfilling and freeing in the body, not just for one, but the inspiration and reflection for everyone to work on and get to equally.
How do I work through changes in relationships and grow?
There are questions that come forward into focus from within our relationships that offer unique and individual lessons. These lessons don't necessarily have to be approached or reacted to as problems or huge issues, but more so experiences that we choose together to initiate a growth in the relationship. Sometimes they can be and are referred to as ‘karmic life lessons’ that we have to heal between us.
Whatever emerges, for every tension in life, instead of viewing them as our issues, or mistakes, or blaming each other, we could be flexible and open to letting these moments be a part of healing, enabling a new, expanded and more flowing relationship.
It seems normal when we first encounter a relationship to have the curiosity to explore such questions and engage in a conversation with each other to try to understand either, what is the attraction, or, what is the magnetic substance that pulls us to be together, and what we are here to do together? Have we come together from a superficial attraction or because someone is paying us attention, or from a deeper more substantial magnetic pull that calls us to discover more about the purpose of why we are here relating together and how we can deepen?
As you live and share and experience life together there will be many moments that arise – seemingly from nowhere, and yet truly ordained on your paths – that propose a deeper reflection and analysis of the relationship and where it is headed, or alternatively and equally as important, confirm and celebrate what you are already living and working together on in the relationship. These can be milestones, markers in life or reality checks that are more obvious moments of truth: for example, when you experience a death in the family, a promotion at work, a health crisis, finding out you are pregnant, meeting someone you have a connection with, or following an impulse to visit another country. Or subtle moments that can return us to a thoughtfulness about our relationships and a self-discovery such as: why am I holding back on expressing my truth, noticing that your friend has been sad of late, acknowledging that you are being taken for granted, clocking that you are getting too serious in life and losing your sense of humour, or even recognising you are avoiding sexual intimacy.
If you really remain open and receptive to your feelings, you will sense this inner inquiry that challenges to accept new levels of responsibility and awareness that will deliver a maturity or stepping up in your relationship with yourself and all others.
Working through the challenges of these experiences in relationships can bring you forward to a foundation that is more loving, more honest, and more real.
It is important to not shy or hide away from addressing what is in our face to develop – burying moments that are fertile and abundant with growth – as what we are immersed in in those moments, if we let ourselves feel the clarity of them, are lessons about love that have already begun to teach us so much about ourselves and each other. We are never not receiving these opportunities to restore and renew a relationship and realise our potential, every day delivering many teachings that are revelatory.
The question though is, ‘Are we deliberately avoiding or sabotaging our abilities to feel that there is this inner work to do that would undeniably move us forward in life?’
The resistance to this evolution is oh so tempting and for most of us a protective decoy so that we delay working through the obvious life lesson that has arisen in the relationship, via defending the myriad of hurts, judgments, opinions and stories that we use to block the lesson clearly there, and giving us the ultimate excuse to remain in security and guard the individual self with protection so as not to progress. In truth, we take ourselves off on an opposing tangent to expertly create an excuse to not confront the learning. Then we can blame everything and everyone else for not moving forward in our lives, not taking responsibility, not maturing. This mostly ends in frustration and long term bitterness when waking up to the choking moment of realising that your relationship is actually very average and you are not living your potential, because you didn't nurture and embrace evolving in it.
Sometimes the writing on the wall in the relationship is that one party is unwilling to commit to working through the moment of tension/growth for further development and to re-imprint the relationship – they dig their heels in against the change, and if you find yourself in a repetitive cycle of this pattern or behaviour, it’s important to pause and observe how this pattern is repeating if you are to come to the acceptance of your partner’s choices.
This is not a compromise or a resignation from the truth of the relationship, more so an appreciation and allowing of every person’s free will to choose at their own volition and in their own rhythm the way they will initiate growth and development in their life. No one can be pushed, held to ransom, or imposed upon to evolve; it is always about the relationship with oneself and our movement within our own evolutionary cycle.
Most importantly, it is vital in life to not accept a compromise in any relationship, or to hold back on evolving yourself because another will not commit to that level of development. Retarding your own evolution is the greatest suffering that can be felt and lived by any one of us.
The True Beauty of Relationships
To be in relationships and experience working together and developing and growing is an honour; there is so much that can be appreciated from our learning through commitment in relationships and our evolution in them. Whatever relationship you are in – partner, family, friend – when there is evolution on board you feel a greater depth of love for yourself, the other and all others. What you are then able to reflect is a greater awareness about life, loving and understanding that is very powerful in supporting those around you to evolve to the next level of their own learning.
And thus the true visibility of the lesson of making relationships about evolving is revealed, and that is the potential that we all evolve together in humanity, equally so. This is the key to making relationships work. Where we are all headed in this evolution of relationships is to a quality of being in brotherhood together, a harmlessness and inter-connectedness that is totally committed to and consistently sustained; an opportunity to feel whole all together and not separate individuals having to prove ourselves constantly. This is not a pursuit of perfection or an ideal that is idyllic, it is actually the greater science of relationships that is yet to be lived amongst us all in humanity, and something we all have a deep knowing of even though we live and act as if we don’t.