Is it normal to be bored in a relationship?

Thumb big q0280 dwp 20180125 9640

Is it normal to be bored in a relationship?

Getting bored in a relationship is something many people experience, and when you internet search it there are a standard set of responses and ‘solutions’ that come up, such as spicing up your sex life, going on more adventures, finding a shared interest, or shifting your date nights up a gear – even suggestions to have an affair with your partner by pretending to be someone else with each other.

But do any of these really address what’s really going on? And do they really make any long lasting difference? Or do they just allay the pain of the separation you feel a little longer?

Without any prudishness whatsoever but with an honest consideration to the fact of how much we all truly crave to be loved, the next question to then ask would be; what true part of being connected and in a close loving relationship with your partner would have you want to choose to be someone else with each other in bed?

Choosing this option as a relationship saver or even any of the other suggestions, will certainly provide added entertainment and stimulation to the relationship if that’s what you’re after, however, none of these look at how you became distanced from each other in the first place. Stimulation by its very nature is short-lived, momentary and fleeting, which is why it needs to be constantly sought and ‘topped-up’, and hence is why you can find yourself empty and needing to re-fill so regularly when this is the chosen method of ‘keeping the love alive’.

Bothering to care enough to explore what got in the way of true intimacy may require a little more work and so-called effort initially, but in the longer term it sustains a feeling of fullness by virtue of learning more about yourself and each other in the process, and once you start on this track there is only more and more of it to want to discover. The lazy options of simply plugging the hole start to become less and less appealing as the wholeness of you emerges more and more.

It is one of the most raw and sacred of moments to be connected, naked and physically intimate with your partner, and actually be you with them, sharing the love that you are with the love that they are. And whether we like to be aware of it or not, there is actually a responsibility that comes with being in a relationship that is to reflect what a true and loving union is. So what happened for us to go so off track in how we are in relationships that it is now considered not only reasonable but actually published relationship advice to suggest that a way back to a healthy relationship is to pretend to be someone else with one another? To all levels of common sense does this actually make any sense? When common sense is these days not so common, the answer potentially is yes.

There must be an already deep level of disconnection that has been accepted as normal within each other and within the relationship for this to be encouraged and heralded as the salvation for boredom. It’s not as if we hear people saying in their wedding vows or in making a deeper commitment to each other that they want that for their relationship, in fact it’s usually quite the opposite, and at times with a desperateness in the request for fidelity. The energy behind the desperateness in itself is already a red alert to the insecurity laying beneath the surface, that later allows the compromise of accepting whatever stimulation or excitement is on offer in an apparent bid to keep the relationship alive.

This particular example is just one of the many ‘solutions’ that has the potential to not only further separate but also be detrimental and harmful to the already scarred self-worth of both people involved. Having true intimacy in life with a partner or even in our other close personal relationships requires there to be a feeling of safety, a surety that we can trust the other person knows us deeply and sees us for who we are, they accept and love us for the qualities that are uniquely ours, and they have our back to support the deepening of that expression of who we are. True intimacy is being able to be fully ourselves with another, it is a relationship free of any imposition that asks us to be a ‘version’ of ourselves, or any need or expectation to fit a picture of what someone else wants us to be, presenting instead an imposter to satiate and satisfy the emptiness of another. Crazy but true that this is how people are living, putting aside their own integrity and decency just to ‘have someone’.

Perhaps our perception of what a healthy relationship is has had its bar lowered through the acceptance of mediocrity and now represents not even a mere semblance of what it is to have true relationships; and so we have arrived at a situation where many people are accepting crumbs as being love. '

The truth is that the reality of the pain of living with this will not ever be satiated with a new hobby or a bigger better date night; in truth these options are just a slower way of pulling the band-aid off, and only further prolong the pain.

Feeling bored in a relationship is most definitely something not to be ignored and absolutely requires our most caring attention, for there is a lot more to it than the simplistic approach of re-charging your sex life or designing your next holiday away together.

These might well act as antidotes or band-aids to make good the sore on the surface, and deliver you back to a ‘fun’ time together momentarily, (which seems to be the main objective of most ‘bored in relationship’ advice on the net): however, if there is any real interest in overcoming the boredom and really understanding what is going on, then there is a lot more beneath the surface to consider.

For a start, why not ask the question of how you feel about yourself first . . . rather than jumping on the ‘what’s wrong with your partner band-wagon’, or being annoyed about how dull the relationship has become, why not give genuine consideration and honesty to feeling how in love with yourself you are? Be truly sincere with yourself and examine how you are with you: do you love and care for yourself in a deeply personal and affectionate way, do you offer yourself the freshness of learning about yourself every day, do you reflect on life and the ever-revealing lessons that are presented within every moment, do you communicate any of this to the people close to you, do you share of yourself and your gorgeousness with others? Do you truly inquire how the person you’re in relationship with is, do you ask what’s going on for them, do you care to want to know them more and more intimately every day?

The questions to discover how much we love ourselves can go on and on, and how far we are prepared to extend that love to others can be evolved in every moment, but the point is that the real starting point for truly addressing a perceived issue of boredom in a relationship is with yourself first.

You are bored with you first, before you can be anywhere near bored with another – Fact!

This may be challenging to want to feel and certainly a lot less comfortable to want to address, however, the real truth is that we fall out of love with ourselves way before we fall out of love with someone else.

So, ‘is it normal to be bored in a relationship?’ No it is not, unless one or both of you in the relationship have dropped the ball on being committed and responsible with loving yourself first, in which case it very likely is . . .

Filed under

LoveSelf-loveRomanceMarriageIntimacyConnectionTensionCommunicationHealthy Relationships

  • Thumb small annette baker

    By Annette Baker, Relationship Counsellor

    Annette's love is supporting and confirming people in returning to the truth they already know deep inside. This she does through her own constant and dedicated relationship to understanding and living the greater meaning and purpose to life.

  • Thumb small dean whitling

    Photography: Dean Whitling, Brisbane based photographer and film maker of 13 years.

    Dean shoots photos and videos for corporate portraits, architecture, products, events, marketing material, advertising & website content. Dean's philosophy - create photos and videos that have magic about them.