Read James Stanfield’s description of what he felt it used to mean to be a father and what he sees it as now.

“I have always found being a father rather daunting; never really knowing what I was supposed to do. I quickly took on the role of disciplinarian, dishing out orders like a lieutenant in the army and always looking for clues where I could hand over to my children what I had learned from life, as this felt comfortable for me.

I struggled to be affectionate with my children as I was never shown affection growing up and was uncomfortable with it. I always found it a constant battle between being the alpha male I felt I needed to be at work and with my mates, as opposed to being tender and supportive for my children at home. I was forever feeling I had to be a rock, stoic and the provider, seldom letting my defences down or connecting with my children in a way they deserved.

As for a lot of boys of my era, my dad was my role model when it came to me being a father. Consciously or subconsciously I would align to the way I was parented, trying to avoid the traits I disliked and swore I would never do with my children. In spite of this I still ended up with my own bastardised version that ended with the same results for my children as I had experienced.

My dad was always around but never had time for us; he would never come to watch me play sport or come to any of my events, this was all left to my mother. So, I vowed to always be there for my children, which I was, however although I was there physically, my mind was always somewhere else. I never fully engaged with them and if I was spending time with them it was always on my terms and usually with a time limit. I guess the reason for this is that I felt uncomfortable or out of my depth being a father as I didn’t really know what was expected.

From what I have observed most men are not mastered at one-on-one relationships as opposed to most women and I feel this stops us from connecting with our children. We get caught up in the masculinity of trying to portray who we want to be in the world, which results in not letting anyone see who we truly are. For instance, my daughters only saw me cry for the first time when they were in their late teens, for I had felt that I had to be tough around them and this thought process stopped me from truly connecting with them. Even now, opening up to my children doesn’t come as easy for me as it does with others in my life, however I do know it is never too late to make a change.

Hear Mark’s description of what he felt it used to mean to be a father and what he sees it as now.

“I didn’t embrace what it meant to be a responsible father with my seven children.

I was ticking boxes, driving kids to school, sporting events, being the provider, meeting basics, playing the good dad, but I failed to honour each of my children’s uniqueness as a person. I didn’t see past the day-to-day… if the fathering chores were done it was time I could check out – watch TV or some other activity that was a withdrawal from life. I didn’t see all the other interactions as fathering. Now I see it is a crucial part of honouring the child, that detail, that time spent listening and supporting the children in their lives.

I always said, ‘I won’t be like my father’, but I didn’t have the livingness to bring what I wanted to my children as a father. What becomes part of your make-up as a father is often what you have learnt. You take on behaviours from your own experience as a child and bring your children up accordingly.

There was never an acknowledgement that I had been affected by my own father’s behaviour with me. Some aspects I didn’t repeat but others, mainly being disconnected from the family, did occur. I was unpredictable and impacted by the pressures of the day, which resulted in coming home from work and dumping it verbally on the whole family.

I had a consciousness of fatherhood handed down from generation to generation that I feel I have now identified and have broken to a certain extent. At some point in time many men have to break the consciousness that has pervaded the family line to allow our children to evolve. It didn’t just come from my father but many generations before him and how they were as fathers.

I had no awareness of the triggers that allowed this behaviour and that is the key. What I was feeling, and what others were feeling, was not readily accessible due to my lack of connection to myself. Living in that unaware state you roll through life and react to what is presented to you. As a result, I failed to embrace each child’s tenderness and sensitivity and consequently it has meant that I have needed to work on being more open to them as adults.

As a father, I have realised my children’s decisions are theirs and I no longer have to take responsibility for them. I see how they choose to live their lives, and I try not to take that on myself if there are some aspects that I don’t agree with. They are individuals living this life based on the choices they make.

The Ageless Wisdom gives you the awareness to honour each child, for without that awareness I believe as men we live out many of the patterns our fathers did, to the detriment of ourselves and our relationships.”