Where are the true (male) role models?
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Where are the true (male) role models?
Recently I went to a public swimming pool. It had been a while since I had been to one. I am also not often around groups of teens and children, other than when walking through the streets of the city I live in.
After that visit to the swimming pool, I was astounded by the situation we as a society are in and was asking myself, ‘where the heck are the male role models?’ And what do I mean by that? I can assure you I don’t mean men in the light of the current woke-ism that deems a real man has to be weak and unmanly to be a man.
At the pool I observed a dynamic where a group of boys, around the ages of nine to 12, were physically fighting which each other next to where I was.
Two boys on the ground were trying to get another into a headlock and clinch the rest of the ‘opponent’s’ body with their legs so this boy was not able to move at all. They had red marks all over their bodies from the trauma of their rough grappling. Around them in a circle were about 10 other boys, encouraging them to keep fighting with eyes of wanna-be-experts.
I watched that scenario. And then looked around what the response of the rest of the pool visitors was and wondered where the lifeguards were?
No one within sight was watching, let alone cared about what was going on, too busy looking at their phones and with their earphones in place. There was a level ignorance as if what happened with these boys was the most normal thing and not to be disturbed by.
This was my first stop moment. How could no one be disturbed by the fighting?
After a while I stepped in and said it is enough, because it was clear that no one else was going to stop the fighting, and the lifeguards and pool staff were nowhere to be seen.
The boys, including the ones on the ground, one of them almost unable to speak as he was still being choked, insisted that this was just wrestling and just fun.
This was my second stop moment. How can tender bodies like these, bodies that were visibly hurt and suffering from being choked, insist that this was fun?
My simple and calm reply was, ‘You can lie as much as you want, but this is not fun, you are harming each other.’
This was the first shock moment for this group of boys, as you could say no one had ever dared to challenge them on their fighting. It is very likely that this was the first time anyone had actually dared to challenge them on what they were calling ‘fun’.
The first ones recovering from being shaken up told me to go away, it was fun and none of my business. Again, my steady reply: ‘You can lie to yourselves as much as you want, but it still is not fun and if you do not stop, I will go and get the lifeguard.’
For the first time there was hesitancy in the group. Again, they were visibly shaken up that someone had exposed the obvious, that abuse is not fun.
I turned around and the lifeguard had arrived. He tapped one of the boys on the shoulder, interestingly in a way that suggested they knew each other and that the lifeguard was condoning, if not proud of what they were doing. He then turned towards me and asked, what was the matter?
I replied that obviously, he could see that one boy was still being choked by another. And the lifeguard smiled at me, saying that this was fun for them as they were only practising wrestling. He asked If I was offended by that?
This was my third stop moment. I could have almost started to laugh if it had not been such a horrible thing to witness.
Let that sink in. A lifeguard, whose job it is to save people’s lives and to take care of everyone in a high-risk environment so no-one is harmed, was brazenly applauding young boys for choking each other in front of smaller children all around they were sharing the pool with. The fact of the harm to the boys involved and the message they were broadcasting to everyone was conveniently swept under the carpet by calling it a sport and therefore ‘fun’.
My reply: ‘If they are training in such a sport, where is the trainer who supervises it?’
Silence.
He continued trying to play it down, insisting it was only fun. I would not back down. I could not back down. A basic standard of human decency was being breached in this one, apparently ‘small’ incident. My reply, ‘Again, you can lie as much as you like but hurting each other is not fun and I do not see a trainer for wrestling in this public space.’
It was only then that the lifeguard told the boys to stop and, if they wanted to train, to do it somewhere else. One step at least taken towards care and decency.
Whilst that happened another man suddenly appeared next to me. He told me he also didn’t regard it as fun and he appreciated that I spoke up. I thanked him for coming over and saying that. You could see that this man, probably in his early 40s and quite overweight, was also a super tender man who must have had experienced such ‘fun’ when growing up. He lightened up a bit and I could feel that his thank you came from his heart.
It is beautiful to see the power of one person speaking up, encouraging others to face the childhood traumas still being carried around in their grown-up bodies, and being able to stand up to it too.
Everyone on this planet can probably agree about the one fact that they would not want war in the place where they are living.
But what about this sort of war between our children that has been allowed and enabled by all of us? What message do they receive for their entire life that hurting each other is fun when a grown-up man, a supposed role model, tells them it is fun and actively encourages them to continue? And that scenario is now an everyday normal that we all agree to? If that is the definition and example of fun, if these are the standards of behaviour that we allow in our children, how can anyone be surprised about the callousness in our communities, the absence of care, the wars around the globe and pointed fingers, where these false standards are the basis that causes and/or supports the escalating and increasingly normalised rates of domestic violence and therefore also the disharmony that makes it impossible to work together.
I am a petite, 1.68cm tall woman, and I had the power to stop 12 boys from hurting each other, even when they had a grown-up man defending what they were doing.
So, whose responsibility is it to set the standard and values for our society?
Is it the lifeguard, who was probably also brought up this way, is it the parents, the teachers, the disinterested onlookers, the boys themselves? We can answer for all of them with ‘yes’.
But everyone who sees abuse and sees that the people involved are, for whatever reason, unable to stop, every single one of us with that awareness has the responsibility to also stop what we see that we know is not true. Otherwise, you/we are an enabler.
Imagine if we all lived up to that responsibility, how many abusers and bullies would there actually be if they were constantly being pulled up from smashing not only others but also themselves with their harming behaviours and actions?
Can we start to fathom the power each and every one of us actually has and what impact on others and therefore the world?
It is easy to point the finger at others. And be in the comfort of one’s own private circle of life being untouched. We can put our head down and scroll through the feed on our phone. But I reckon if you were on the ground being beaten up, or were the one who was overtaken by anger and smashing someone, you’d be glad too if someone stepped in. Maybe not at that very moment. But surely after.
And coming back to the question where the true (male) role models are. It is you. It is for all of us to be the real-life examples of how we want this world to be. Whether female or male, it does not matter. It starts with all of us agreeing on a standard of no physical abuse and speaking up for that and exposing the lies that call pain and harm, fun.
As they are simply that. Lies.
Filed under
Anti-social behaviour, Role models, Teenagers, Youth
