Knowing I was gay
Knowing I was gay
When I was five years old, I remember having a dream about wanting affection, tenderness and love from a woman. I knew that this was not in a maternal way, not nurturing from a mother – I remember feeling a distinct difference. What I felt was a relationship with a woman that was different to what I was experiencing from my mother – it was a deeper intimacy that I was seeking. From this young and tender age, I had an inner knowing that I was gay.
I also had this amazing awareness that I was too young to express this but that I knew in my body/being what this really meant – that this was something that I would live later in my life. I didn't know how, I just knew that it was there inside of me, and that it was a natural part of me.
At the same time I was also aware that this was something that didn't align with the thoughts and feelings of those in my immediate family (my whole world to me at five years old!). I knew intuitively that it was not their way, and I felt a strong sensation about the level of resistance that I would be up against by being this different. I felt a slight anxiousness – how was this going to play out? Would I be OK? What was my future going to be like?
ALL OF THIS, AND I COULDN'T EVEN ARTICULATE THESE FEELINGS YET!
As I matured, I knew that this experience was a truth I couldn’t deny, it was a knowing deep within – a knowing that I was gay.
In my teenage years my feelings with regards to relationships, what I was drawn to and wanting from girls (even crushes) as opposed to how I connected with boys, totally showed that there was a deeper part of me that knowingly understood how I wanted to express my sexuality – that it felt "normal " for me to be gay.
Even through the torture of ‘coming out’, and the upheaval this caused in my life (because those closest to me struggled with, and rejected my choices), I never doubted what I felt in the inner most of my feelings - that this felt like a natural way for me to express.
I have never had an issue with my choice to express my sexuality, but I knew that there would be many close to me, including my parents (who were devoutly religious), that would find it difficult to accept. I also had to overcome the lesson of allowing everyone their own reactions and hurts and not to take this personally as rejection.
When I was told that there was a "gay gene" and a genetic propensity for this to occur, it didn't make as much sense as the inner knowing that I had always had. It seemed to suggest to me that genetic science was more valid, and could somehow deliver more proof about my sexuality than my own deeper impulse, my own innate understanding, and what I had already experienced in my relationships.
I knew how my own body reacted when I was in relationship with a girl that I loved; genetics and science couldn't provide me with more understanding or knowledge than what I had already discerned from my own self-reflection and experiences.
What I was pondering on was . . . . .
That a deeper intelligence was sharing with me who I truly am
When I have put my trust in this deeper knowing throughout my life it has never been incorrect. Within me I have constantly realised that I have all the answers, all the truth about myself, others and life that I ever need to know.
I am, we are, ALL KNOWING
It is simply a matter of listening to the truth that is always trying to be voiced from inside of us - and then choosing not to dismiss it. I have found if I can be quiet enough and respectful enough of this clairsentience (ability to feel clearly) then it is ALL there to feel.
So if I already sensed at five years old that there was a way I was going to be in relationships with women that was different, what more is there deep inside of me to feel about my path in life from this knowing that I could be accessing and discovering to help me understand myself and others?
When I live listening to, trusting and honouring my inner truth it feels very natural to me. I have felt more like my true self and my life has become simple and has just flowed. Reflecting back, knowing from five years old that I was gay taught me to trust myself, and to trust that what I know inside is way more powerful and true than anything that can be delivered to me from outside of myself.