The Why of Relationships

Have you ever considered how as human beings we’re boxed in or programmed to see relationships in linear terms and one dimensionally? In this way we are denied the opportunity to be truly enriched by relationships – all relationships. There is a richness that comes from relating to everyone we meet as if they are the one.

Humankind tells us that we can only have one or a few special relationships. But why accept this when we can instead open up to the possibility of every relationship being equal to the next? And how would our lives be different if we did?

One perspective when working with clients, any client in any field is that there is only ever ‘one’ client, not many, not delineated. By this it is meant each one client represents all clients equally. Of course, each person will have different presenting conditions or needs, whether it be health related or practical. What matters is that the quality of movement vibrationally offered one client is the same as offered all others. The idea of one client gets rid of comparison, idealisations of good/bad, difficult/easy, like/not like. When we respond to each client as if they are the one, the relationship we have with them is received not only by them but all clients equally. In this way how we vibrationally relate to another affects everyone through the quality of relationship we have with one. And of course, there is the potential also to heal or harm. To hold a client as an equal is to be open to the riches that can be delivered through us for both client and carer.

But that is not how we as human beings are schooled.

For example, what do you say when asked if you’re in a relationship? Often the person asking and the one responding restrict the question to ‘intimate’ relationships. You may reply yes or no. Both responses limited in their expression, if they refer only to the one person we’re going out with, live with, are married to or none of the above does the person who replies no, feel less or empowered? Most often, less is the case. If single, we are often left feeling lonely, insecure or that we’ve failed in some way. Whereas the very opposite is the case. Some people that live alone or are not in a partnership relationship live full and purposeful lives. How is that? When a relationship ends it often offers space to reflect on what happened and why. It can open the way to deepen the love we have for ourselves.

Instead of pouring a false needy emotional love onto another, we can instead re-direct our energy inwards and begin to build inner adoration. This is not selfishness but self-love. In this way so full do we become from our own self-nurturing and adoration there is no sense of missing out. And if we are not living full and enriching lives in all our relationships, the question is why not?

If asked today “Are you in a relationship?’ you could answer yes, with authority, and express how much you love being in relationship with yourself and the many other people in your life, not just one. These could include all the one-on-one relationships you may have with a colleague, client, son, daughter, neighbour. But also, relationships you have when you’re out and about in life, on the phone, writing emails, shopping, at the checkout counter, the grocery store, the bus stop, in the park and even simply passing someone and connecting with your eyes.

As human beings we are schooled in fixed ways that do not support true relationships.

Take friendships for example. Have you ever questioned what we’ve been told about friendship relationships? If you have ever used the term ‘best friend’ (as I have) to describe a relationship with someone you consider to be special in your life or that you get on particularly well with, then you’ve fallen into the trap. You may also have one or more so-called best friends. But look deeper at what these friendships show us. ‘Best’ friend suggests exclusivity and is based on comparison with others. This one is in, loved, treasured, another not so good, second best or out. Best friend relationships can sometimes be fraught with tension, manipulation, competition, expectation, comparison and jealousy that we choose to see or not. They are often bound by an unspoken code that says, ‘you will be this or that for me’. They can also be seemingly ‘perfect’ on the outside because they are not based on honesty but on keeping the relationship going and are merely an arrangement, convenient for both parties. Often, both intimate and friendship relationships are based on a pecking order: placing one relationship above another (comparison).

Pecking orders in relationships are designed to keep us separate which is the opposite to the truth of what relationships are about.

Relationships are designed to evolve and enrich us, but more often than not they are like a prison, based on fear, conditions, expectations and habit.

Human beings have placed family, blood, adopted or surrogate, as the primary relationship over non-family. Even the use of the word ‘primary’ suggests exclusivity and must be questioned. To be primary means all other relationships are secondary. Secondary means less than and we do not consider all other relationships as equal to blood or adopted family. How come and where from? We need to question not only why this exists but its implications and why we play along with it. If you have automatically given family relationships priority over all others, ask yourself why.

We are told that ‘family’ comes first because of kinship, blood, ancestry, lineage, regardless of the quality of relationships within family. And yet the reality is that most family relationships are based on ownership and entitlement: you’re one of us, we own you and are entitled to do as we please in the name of family.

No coincidence that most abuse is found within family and yet loyalty to the family firm is the sticky glue that keeps us fastened to a false model, regardless.

This means even if there is abuse it is often not spoken about or exposed. The idea of ownership, entitlement and expectation dominates these relationships. Most people are incapable of walking away from abusive family or any other relationship because of fear of insecurity, breaking ranks, being alone or considered an outsider. Better the evil you know. And yet, abuse comes in many guises.

The model of relationships in ‘good’ families is also abusive in that it makes us think all is well when it may well not be. The good family with every seeming virtue in place is high in the ownership stakes (look what we’ve done for you, given you) and difficult to disentangle from. We can be as equally entrapped by good as by abuse.

Loyalty to family for the sake of family closes the door to the infinite number of true relationships open to us. We are locked in, and no one knows where the key is.

To accept that blood and kinship relationships are more important than all other relationships rejects the truth that we are all from one family, God’s family and there is no difference one from another. To give love to the family you are born or adopted into and ignore or negate all other families is a form of abuse and harmful to all.

This lie of relationship is sold the world over and most humans have bought into it.

In this way we do not evolve and are not enriched ...

We cannot love one and not all. To love all equally evolves humanity.

Relationships don’t have to be the battleground predominantly lived by most human beings and sold as such by mainstream media. In at-onement, relationships are the font of true enrichment.

Forget crown jewels, be enriched by talking to someone at the supermarket checkout or connecting to someone known or unknown with your eyes as you walk by. Be enriched by working with a client and at-one with him/her or gently massage the hand of someone about to pass over. Or learn to trust someone unknown to you, simply by being open to receive what is being offered.

The why of relationship gives life purpose.

If we step out of what we are told as human beings about relationship, we see our place and purpose on the planet as much more than human. We, as multi-dimensional beings, cannot be limited by constructs and ideals that diminish, crush and separate one from another. To be multi-dimensional is to live in a way that is at one with the all: with everyone. There is no big or small, important and less important, family or non-family, best friend or just friend, colleague, not colleague; all those labels are constructs designed to diminish the truth of who we are.

We are multi-dimensional beings.

And there is only One true relationship. The relationship we have with God is first and foremost and when in true relationship with God, we are in relationship with all others equally. In at-onement with God we lovingly relate to everyone we meet as the God they truly are – without judgement, comparison, jealousy, abuse.

What if we made this our life’s work, our singular purpose? To simply be love, God’s Love.

Relationships are about and for all of us equally. Without equalness there is no true relationship. The why of relationship aligns us to God and opens us up to only see God in another and in return ourselves. We move as one and in this movement humanity evolves together.

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  • By Kehinde James

    Kehinde lives and cares for elders in their own homes and is enriched by relationships with clients, families, health practitioners and communities She hosts a monthly online meeting for family carers, loves to write and walks everyday, town, city or country.

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    Iris Pohl is an expert in capturing images with a natural light style. Little to no time is needed for photoshop editing and the 'original' moment captured to represent your brand and remain in its authenticity.