Being Single – are we still special without that ‘special someone’?

Being Single – are we still special without that ‘special someone’?

Being Single – are we still special without that ‘special someone’?

Socially celebrated in our twenties, being single (despite the influence of popular TV shows like Sex and the City) for many starts to lose its shine post 30 as the societal pressures to get ‘coupled up’, settled down and have life generally sorted out weigh in like a burden, suggesting that we’re just not measuring up.

These not so subtle pressures frequently play out in dinner party conversations, in true Bridget Jones’ Diary style, as singles get asked ‘are you still single?’ with the subliminal message of ‘why?’ and ‘what’s wrong with you?’ underplaying in the background. Why is it that as a society being single is made to feel ‘less special’ because this group don’t have that ‘special someone’? Are we not the same person whether we’re in relationship or not, or does someone’s love, adoration and commitment to us increase our perceived worth? It’s no wonder Bridget Jones retreated to her lounge room and the woeful lyrics of ‘All by Myself.’ The pressure to find ‘the one’, get engaged and have the fairytale wedding and honeymoon have been imposed upon us since childhood, like a holy grail quest to reach that ever elusive ‘happily ever after’.

But could it be that the failure isn’t actually with the fact that we’re single, but rather with these unrealistic pictures of a Prince or Princess Charming that can never possibly be met?

Whether we meet Mr or Mrs ‘Right’ or not, at the end of the day we’re all faced with the same reality of how we truly feel about ourselves, and no amount of love and adoration from another can ever make us feel good enough in a lasting true way if we don’t actually feel it for ourselves. That responsibility lies entirely with us.

Instead of being taught this from young, the opposite occurs, and we are led to believe at every turn that someone out there ‘completes’ us. How much does this place us at the mercy of everything outside ourselves when we are seeking ourselves through the approval or interest of another? Worse than relying on others for our sense of self-worth is the fact that living this way distracts us away from our inner truth and we can spend lifetimes looking for a sense of completion outside of ourselves in the arms of another. We go around in circles searching for love when the only real love we truly have in life is the love we come complete with inside ourselves.

This understanding that love is within us completely changes the game on dating and romantic relationships.

If we have that level of love for ourselves we wouldn’t have a sense of stress or urgency to be in a romantic relationship, but would be far more discerning who we choose to be in relationship with, and when in one, would naturally not accept abuse or neglect, or anything less than the depth of love we already have for ourselves, within ourselves. Discovering that we have an endless well of love already existing deep inside us is quite a revelation and one that leads us to see through the common myth that we only ‘get’ or ‘find’ love through another person.

Things certainly would have played out quite differently for Bridget Jones if she’d had a foundation of self-love. Not a moment would have been wasted pining after the likes of Hugh Grant’s womanising character, Daniel Cleaver, had Bridget understood that it’s not possible to be loving towards anyone else without loving ourselves first. Starting with love leaves us free to no longer seek it but instead simply be it. A foundation of self-love provides us with the space to see relationships not as a means to finding love, scratching an eternal itch, filling our needs, soothing our hurts or making us ‘complete’, but as way of sharing the way we are with ourselves with another. The purpose of relationships shifts from providing love, to deepening the love we already are.

"Single women are not really missing out – most women are only in a relationship because it relieves a need and because they are too afraid of what it would be like, without it. Form relationships from love for love and not to relieve hurts or fill needs."

Serge Benhayon Esoteric Teachings & Revelations Volume I, ed 1, p 522

Rather than looking at being single as an island of isolation, could we as a society shift our perception away from the belief that something is wrong or missing, towards it offering an invaluable opportunity for us to deepen our relationship with ourselves and thus everyone else?

If we embraced this space in full, time spent being single wouldn’t be wished away with thoughts and dreams of a romantic relationship, but it could actually help us to open up to a much grander and truer form of love that has no ‘special’ someone, but rather is about our relationship with everyone.

Filed under

SingleRelationshipsHealthy relationshipsRomanceSelf-love

  • By Alison Coleman, Bachelor of Business (BBus)

    Alison is a practitioner of Universal Medicine Therapies in Sydney who brings a depth of warmth and wisdom to her work in supporting people to develop a strong sense of their value, worth and unique expression in the world.

  • Photography: Matt Paul