I still feel like I am fat sometimes
I still feel like I am fat sometimes
15 years ago I was a lot heavier than I am now – 25 kgs heavier, to be precise – and I still feel like I am fat sometimes.
I used to dress in a way that made the most of my assets and flattered my figure, so most people did not realise how big I was, but I certainly felt fat and thought I looked fat.
I lost the weight over several years by making gradual changes to my diet and lifestyle – exercising more, eating less, and cutting out carbs, starting with gluten and then dairy, and eventually letting go of my addiction to sugar. The weight came off, not because it was my main focus, but as a by-product of learning to take greater care of my body, to treat myself with love and tenderness, and to honour myself as a woman and as a beautiful being, thanks to the great teachings of Universal Medicine and the eternal support of Serge Benhayon.
After I lost the weight, for several years I would still go into shops and take the large size of something off the shelf to try on and the shop attendant would say: “Why are you taking that? You are a size small.” And I would look at them in confusion. I would not actually believe them but they would persuade me to try the small size and it would fit. Even now, years later, I will still hold up a pair of my jeans and think: I am never going to get into those! And yet I do.
And even now there are times when I will look in the mirror and still see my chunky arms, my generous thighs and my big bottom, when the truth is they are not big at all.
So what is going on here?
What is looking at what?
What I have come to understand is that there are two ways of ‘seeing’ ourselves – we can receive what is truly there to be seen, the vibration of light emanating from the object reflected in the mirror in front of us; or we can cast our projections of what we think we look like as a veil over the truth of who we are.
If I allow myself to project my ‘image’ of myself onto what I see, I sometimes see a fat old lady. An old belief, which may once have had some basis in fact, but which is now no longer true. It is a complete lie.
If I allow myself to receive what is truly there, I see a gorgeous, slender, graceful woman with such a depth of beauty in her eyes you don’t even notice the rest of her form. But if you do, it ain’t fat.
We cruel ourselves as women (and as men) by holding ourselves to impossible standards of perfection that no human being can ever meet. Even the people whose images we are held to don’t look like their own photos. The human body is by nature perfectly imperfect and that is part of the beauty of it. Who wants to look like Ken and Barbie? When we look in the mirror we always see how we feel.
Coming to the Ageless Wisdom and learning that there is a difference between spirit and Soul and that we are energy before we are physical, has completely changed my perception of myself. And my perception of myself is completely dependent on what energy I am aligned to.
If I am aligned to my spirit – the part of me that separated from my Soul and sees itself as special, different, and separate from the whole – I see myself as only human, merely physical, flawed, imperfect, and fat.
If I am aligned with my Soul – the truth of who I am, the whole, the Oneness I and we all are from – I see myself as beautiful, graceful and grand. There is a world of difference between the two.
And that world is the world of energy. We are energetic beings first. One form of energy knows it is already everything, needs nothing and is innately beautiful, because its essence is love. And it knows that it is equal with all other beings, no matter their outer physical coat.
The other form of energy is constantly restless and dissatisfied with what it is and what it has and even if it creates a physical body that is more beautiful, more fit and toned than all other bodies or the most whatever the flavour-of-the-month-fashion is, it will still not look in the mirror and be settled with what it sees. It will never be enough in its own eyes. It will never have enough. Nothing will ever be enough.
No matter how great we create ourselves to be, we will never love our looks, and we will never love ourselves inside and out, until we are with our Soul. When we look in the mirror, we don’t just see who we are, we see what we are.
We see our spirit, or we see our Soul.
My antidote to the perception of myself as fat has been movement. The first movement is an alignment with my Soul. Then I move with my Soul, in my every movement, as best as I am able in this human form, on this earthly plane of life. The more I am with my Soul, the more beautiful I feel.
And if I look in the mirror and see a fat old lady, I stop and ask myself: What is looking at What?