Is post-natal depression something that just happens?
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Is post-natal depression something that just happens?
Before having a child, I always thought of post-natal depression as a mysterious occurrence. Something that seemed to just happen to some women and not to others.
Years after my experience of being pregnant, giving birth and caring for a baby, I reflected on what is post-natal depression, and the possibility that it’s not as random or the cause of it as ‘unknown’ as I first thought.
Throughout my pregnancy a lot changed in my body, and my life, very quickly.
The types of foods that I ate on a daily basis changed (because a lot of things made me nauseous), my sleeping needs changed (a lot more day naps, because getting comfortable during the night seemed impossible at times), I could not stand at work for long periods anymore, my entire wardrobe changed overnight. My emotions were heightened; I would get teary about the slightest thing and so my relationship with my partner also needed to change to become more sensitive and vulnerable, and work together more as a team, all of which was not easy for ‘a fiercely independent woman’.
All these things felt like they were happening to me without me deciding. A part of me just wanted to embrace the beauty of it all, and another part of me wanted to scream and say, ‘what about me?!’
I recall attending a midwife check-up during the third trimester of my pregnancy, and I was dressed in a nicely fitted outfit and had a smart looking handbag. The midwife said, ‘You know you will have to change your lifestyle when you have a child, and your body will never be the same’. I felt confused and crushed, and left the appointment feeling like I had ‘done it all wrong’ already, and I was none the wiser as to how I was supposed to do this ‘mothering’ chapter of life.
Where does the notion come from that we have to choose between caring for and expressing ourselves as women, and being a ‘good’ mother? Do these two things need to be mutually exclusive?
As you can see, even before giving birth, I already felt so unsure of myself. And I had so many sleepless nights worrying if I would be a ‘good’ mother and if I had done all the ‘right’ things during my pregnancy. So much anxiety leading into a huge undertaking and a major transition to a new phase of life, is not a recommended combination.
Birth Day
I had never had any sort of physical pain in my life nor been in hospital prior to giving birth, so the entire experience was completely new and daunting, and I needed a lot of reassurance from those around me that I was not going to die during the process. I was terrified. And because of such strong ideals that using pain relief during labour was not ‘a natural birth’, I pushed through the pain and became physically and mentally exhausted.
(A moment to pause and consider). You can see how there is so much that occurs for the mum, even before baby arrives, and this surely has to be all considered when we look at how a woman ends up being diagnosed with post-natal depression, right?
And my labour was considered ‘normal’, which further made me feel like any trauma feelings that I had, meant I was being dramatic or weak, or not a ‘real’ woman.
The expectations of what we consider normal and not normal is very likely another factor that could explain a new mother having feelings of depression, could it not?
I gave birth to a beautiful baby and had a very supportive partner by my side. But very soon after, I had post-birth complications that led to a very physically traumatic time and resulted in not sleeping for days. With all this, (five days later), we were discharged from hospital, and I began my role as a mother. Driving home I distinctly recall feeling so physically and emotionally shaky, shell-shocked and exhausted, and panicked at the idea that I had a small person to look after and zero confidence of how to do so.
At home, I was having nightmares about what had happened in hospital, I could not walk because of such low blood pressure, and I was beyond over-tired and so could not fall asleep. I felt so out of my depth in every way, and everyone kept saying ‘how wonderful that you have a baby now’. I could not reconcile the two things, and started feeling very negative about the fact that I was not feeling vibrant and happy in this new chapter of my life.
I could not sleep for fear of nightmares, and was so anxious about baby dying from sudden cot death (as per the pre and post birth education). I spiralled fast into depression and was on-edge all the time. I could not grasp a sense of myself anymore, and felt scared of who I was becoming. I felt like something was deeply broken and wounded, but I had a baby to care for. I was very depressed, to say the least.
For me, it took a long time to walk step-by-step out of post-natal depression, and I had much help to do so. But does all of what has been shared here, need to be a common occurrence for new mothers?
Having a child is a major event in a woman’s (and man’s) life and requires a lot of consideration and tailored support to guide, prepare, equip, replenish and nurture a new parent.
If I had my time over I would prepare myself for birth and new-born parenting in a way that honoured myself and my body a lot more, brought a lot more understanding/kindness towards myself, and also be open and humble enough to ask for help when needed. No good comes from throwing it to the wind because ‘it’s a natural process’ for a woman to give birth and be a parent.
Yes, these days there is a lot more awareness about ill mental health including post-natal depression, but there are still unspoken expectations from society, the medical profession, media, family, friends and partners, for women to be a certain way as a mother. And when we over-ride a person’s needs, squash their outward expression and natural inner-essence (all in addition to birth trauma), it all leads to feelings of devastation and grief, which I can now see all make up feelings of strong depression after giving birth.
Post-natal depression is not a woman ‘doing it wrong’, nor is it a random occurrence. It is a chapter in life that requires a new level of honouring the body, bringing a deep understanding to the big changes and being open to building oneself from the inside out. Learning to connect to who we truly are and what this then requires specifically and practically to honour this, and not allowing outside demands or expectations to erode us. For when we no longer care for ourselves and push aside our feelings and diminish our support needs, it is no wonder as to how and why we experience intense sadness and withdraw from engaging in life.
Seeing post-natal depression from this angle shows that there are ways we can support ourselves and other mothers with this part of life and that it is an opportunity to get to know ourselves more intimately, which (for me) brings a true inner-confidence that is far less likely to be shaken in challenging times.
Filed under
Birth, Depression, Parenting, Pregnancy
