No longer walking on eggshells in relationships
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No longer walking on eggshells in relationships
Relationships are likely one of the hardest areas of life to navigate and we tend to armour plate ourselves to negotiate a way of being in them whereby we give the ones that are important to us enough to keep the relationship, but not too much that we will be exposed and vulnerable to possible rejection, abandonment, humiliation or abuse.
We are masters at calculating and strategising when it comes to negotiating the relationship terrain, but still we don’t dare let our guard fully down. So, what is happening here for humans, both male and female, that we find it so challenging to form authentic, long-lasting relationships? After all, the animal kingdom does not have this problem!
Right from birth we grow up closely watching our caregivers and those around us for signs of what is and what is not acceptable in relationships. If I do ‘this’, it makes you laugh, but if I do ‘that’, you look sad or become irritated, frustrated or even angry. We learn to tailor our behaviour accordingly because we are quickly learning the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ of social interaction with others. These spoken and unspoken rules are further cemented into us through societal cultural norms and the influence of religion, the education system, nationality, marketing, psychology and psychiatry and the media. The whole gamut of ideals, beliefs and expectations stemming from such systems and institutions keeps streamlining what is deemed acceptable in relationships, and what makes it hard for people is that the goal posts keep moving.
We take stock of where we fit in the social ‘pecking order’ and adjust how we move and what we say accordingly as no one wants to be ostracised or bullied or ridiculed for getting it ‘wrong’. It is not that we expect to be the most popular child in the classroom or playground, or adult in the workplace or social group, but we long for approval and acceptance and many can relate to being a ‘people pleaser’ or the ‘class clown’ – or even the ‘troublemaker’ because at least then you weren’t invisible.
All these early experiences add up and by the time we move into adulthood, we have a fairly solid set of beliefs, ideals and expectations regarding what we call our ‘identity’ and what we are willing to stand for in terms of values and standards, especially when it comes to forming and maintaining relationships. Trust is frequently in short supply as, by this stage, we have been caught out likely more than once whereby we let someone in close, only to find that they abused our trust in one way or another. We look around us, and/or use information technology and commercial marketing to work out the correct way we need to look, speak and move, while simultaneously comparing ourselves with others to ensure that we are conforming to the norms of our community. The external world dictates how high the bar will be set and then we do all we can to jump that bar, whether that be through our looks, work, sport, taste in music etc., but the chief marker of success is whether or not we have a partner. After all – right from the beginning we wanted someone to love us, so if, as an adult, we are in a couple relationship, then that is surely a strong symbol to ourselves and the outside world that we have ‘made it’ in terms of signalling our worth and desirability as a person!
Yet, why is it that there is usually still an underlying brittleness in our relationships; a falseness whereby our interactions are often based on what we think is the right way to be, speak and act. Our conversation is filtered around making sure we stay within the invisible guidelines of what we can and cannot say because to voice anything unacceptable is likely to draw a swift rebuke. Conformity is our ‘go-to’ as we want to be seen as a good, loveable person, even if it means that we find ourselves walking around on eggshells as we try and navigate our way through each relationship we have. Of course, there are a few people who love the stimulation that comes with causing a disturbance, but for the majority, the last thing they want is to rock the boat in case they end up being totally rejected and abandoned. The fear of being left all alone and thus, lonely, frequently propels people to pretzel themselves into whatever shape and form is needed to protect a relationship and remain in the apparent security such an arrangement brings. However, little do we realise that we take both the seen and unseen parts of us to our relationships and just because something is not visible on the outer, doesn’t mean that others can’t sense that it exists.
Some might say at this point that they have met people who are seemingly very confident and who don’t appear to experience any problems in their interpersonal relationships – but is this genuine or a façade? How many of these people would admit to suffering from ‘imposter syndrome’ whereby they are relying on either their skills and intellectual knowledge about a certain topic, their achievements and accolades in a particular area, or their looks to project the image that they have a high sense of self-worth and are good, decent, at least likeable, if not loveable, worthwhile people? Take the focus away from their personal achievements and what’s left is often a person struggling with a history of intimate partner relationship breakdowns, hurts and insecurity like many others experience. The high rates of mental ill health and suicide amongst people who appeared to ‘have it all’ highlights this point clearly. It shows that, despite all this human world offers, nothing has been found that genuinely bridges the gap between the misery or emptiness someone frequently feels inside, and the carefully sculptured image they present to the outer world.
But why is it so difficult to have truly amazing relationships where we are not walking on eggshells around others? We were born complete and ready-made for relationship but by the time we have reached adulthood our ability to enter into a relationship of any kind has been tainted by mistrust, lies, perhaps abuse and violence, reprimand, the ‘worthless sinner’ narrative, the misfit/freak or troublemaker and many other sorts of labels that have left us hurt, angry, scared and demoralised. Then we look for love outside of us; someone who will love and see the worth in us that even we now doubt exists. However, if we truly want to end this relationship roller-coaster we have gotten caught on, we need to go back a step and look beyond the surface layer, and in the process be prepared to let go of any blame or judgement and instead, be open to what may unfold and make any changes required.
We all had a highly honed level of sensitivity when we were a child, and furthermore we, both males and females, came ready-made as an exquisite bundle of delicacy and Sacredness. While most parents initially relish this in their baby, it usually doesn’t take long before parental discomfort or even jealousy starts to set in.
Here is a child that reflects to their parents something that they themselves also had, but lost touch with aeons ago. The belief is that parents are here to teach their child, not the other way around, so it is often hard for the adults to be humble enough to put themselves back into the student role and take lessons from their child. Instead, the psychological, emotional and sometimes physical pummelling begins, and bit by bit, the child learns to adapt to fit in with ‘the ways of the world’. What we are then left with in human form is someone who is living far from what they were reflecting to us as a child, i.e., that they are a multidimensional being whose use of a combination of mind, body and Soul is as natural to them as breathing. Is it any wonder then that our basis for forming meaningful, authentic relationships has been lost when our original sense of ourselves has been so suppressed and compressed?
In this shutting down of our innate sensitivity, we take on a very limited definition of what relationships are and how we are to be in them. Very few adults feel free to be open, transparent and in the full joy of just being who and what they innately are at any time, let alone when in the presence of others. If asked, people might be able to list a couple of things they do well, but few can describe their inner qualities. It’s like they have been asked to speak a foreign language they have never heard before. In another context this loss of connection with our Soul due to all the mechanisms at play that have led to us overriding our ability to feel energy, would be called ‘extortion’ and treated as a crime – except in this instance we have given our consent and allowed the outplay to happen. However, the price we continue to pay is that we are blind to our true worth, power and natural authority and the quality of all our relationships suffers as a consequence. We seemingly find walking on eggshells with those close to us preferable because at least it is a known way of life, therefore offers a measure of security and safety, if not comfort, compared to the possible disturbance that could arise if we questioned the status quo.
Our definition of intimacy has become warped and tied to sexual connotations, yet in its true meaning intimacy is about having a loving, caring relationship firstly with ourselves and then with all others, while sexual intimacy is reserved for partner relationships. ‘Loving ourselves’ does not refer to the occasional pampering we might enjoy; it is about connecting with our Soul through our body and there we will find the attributes of love, joy, harmony, truth and stillness, ready and waiting to be re-activated and brought into our daily living.
Multiple suggestions for how we can more deeply connect to and hold presence with what our bodies are communicating can be found on this website. The more we are able to do this, the more strongly the sense of our multidimensionality grows and the easier it is to intimately re-connect with our innate qualities. Everything is within and flowing through us; we may have lost touch with the fact that we are a divinely designed powerhouse, but it can be reclaimed if we are willing to commit to going back to the beginning and start with rebuilding an authentic, true relationship with ourself.
"… Our one and only truest anchor i.e., point of rich settlement, is our innermost. No magic pill, entertainment or ‘paradise’ exists that can do anything except be poor, depleting and disquieting by contrast to the richness of what is deepest within."
Serge Benhayon Teachings & Revelations, Volume IV, ed 1, p 95
There is no perfection here as we will all have moments where we get caught out, but when that does happen, it is not about going into self-judgement – it is simply a matter of acknowledging what has happened, change our movement so we are on track again and go on with whatever is next. No one else can do it for us …
It is, however, guaranteed that as this relationship with ourselves is nurtured and nourished, our other relationships will start to take a new shape. No longer will we be walking on eggshells, trying to fit whatever the prescribed ‘rules of engagement’ are in order for the relationship to continue. As our natural power and authority start to be restored, we need to be prepared for some relationships to falter – but if they lacked integrity, respect and authenticity, do you really want to maintain them? If you must, for example, as in an employer/employee situation, it doesn’t mean that you have to play small and acquiesce to another’s demands, but what it does mean is that when you truly know and accept the grandness of ‘you’ as a multidimensional being, you will have the foundation needed to hold steady, regardless of what else is playing out. Other relationships will blossom. It may be that unexpected close relationships form with people we never really took any notice of before, or existing relationships deepen and feel so much more intimate and open.
The expansion and growth keep going while ever we are prepared to keep aligning our movement with whatever our Soul is calling for. The next ‘X’ point may challenge us, but it is never a punishment as the Soul is only ever loving and leaves it up to us as to whether we say ‘yes’ or not to what has been offered. It is a very beautiful way of living that is non-imposing. The spaciousness we feel within is very freeing and a far cry from the pressurised environment that is the norm for most of society. The chaos around us will continue, but we are less affected by it, and this steadiness is what we then take to our relationships. Furthermore, it is not just us who benefit from such a way of living as we are all interconnected energetically and the standards we set for our lives and relationships have a ripple effect that spreads out around the globe. So – are we ready take responsibility, drop all the limitations we have placed on ourselves, and bring our true, full Soul-infused glory to all our relationships?
"All relationships are about an ever-evolving commitment – love has no end."
Serge Benhayon Esoteric Teachings & Revelations Volume II, ed 1, p 320
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Relationship problems, Truth in media, Relationships, Responsibility, Soul
