A fast train into a ‘normal’ second half of my life
A fast train into a ‘normal’ second half of my life
I met Serge Benhayon when I was a bit over 50 and by that time, like it or not, I was well on the way to a very normal, socially sanctified and expected mid, older and old age.
Don’t get me wrong, on the outside everything looked hunky dory, ‘normal’ in other words. I was fit, very active, lived on a rural property in a lovely and very scenic part of New South Wales, Australia, I was married to a gentle and at heart very caring man, in other words, a gentleman in essence; we both worked hard and I made sure that we ate healthily and was always on the lookout for things that would better our life – where to invest our money, which shares to buy, a reasonably priced champagne for the weekend, my husband’s favourite hearty meals in winter and lighter ones in summer, regularly staying with my husband’s mother and visiting his daughters, the occasional weekend trip to boot.
My husband was an electrical contractor and did outside work; he was mainly tired from the physical strain and the demands of his profession. But he was kind and trod along when, in hindsight, he would have probably preferred to stay home, put his feet up and chill out. But men, in my experience, go along with what ‘the missus’ suggests to not rock the boat and make sure that things stay as they are and overall, comfort be guaranteed.
And us women folk are of the same ilk even if it might look like we are a tad more adventurous and forthcoming when it comes to trying out new things – comfort above all it is and again, not rocking the boat too much lest changes might be unleashed that neither party has bargained for.
Overall, we were very normal while thinking we were not, heaven forbid!
But how normal is it when –
Gone is the knowingness of love and tenderness that we palpably have right through our little bodies as children, boys and girls alike?
Gone is the knowing that love is tender and a state of being rather than a whole lot of doing, looking for proof, assurance and confirmation from the other while feeling empty inside?
Gone is the certainty that there is meaning to life, that we must be part of something bigger?
And banned from our conscious awareness is the knowingness that there is another and much richer way to live life?
I, like many others, had tried and tried and tried, searched and searched and searched... and hadn’t found the answers anywhere – not in any of the therapies, homeopathic remedies, disciplines and philosophies I had trialed and tested. Not a single one had stood the test of time.
Nor had any of the bodywork modalities that I practised delivered the goods; yes, I was great at what I was doing and people certainly appreciated what I did. I, however, was keenly aware that all I ever did was to patch them up and send them back out again – into the same life, the same scenario and thus, invariably they came back, asking to be patched up again and again and again.
Was life really like the Colosseum in Rome, an arena we are being sent into, time and time again, only to be thrown to the lions, then limp back out be patched up, lick our wounds and not long after go into the very same arena again? Surely not. Surely there was more.
At this point it strikes me, and I had noticed it before, how easy it is to describe my former state, steeped in the misery of its mundaneness while the attempt to describe my life after meeting Serge Benhayon and re-acquainting myself with the Ageless Wisdom teachings makes me ponder and search for the right words and is not delivered with the same facileness or the little flutter inside, does not seem to deliver the punchlines, the little triumph thanks to an achievement worthy of recognition, a job well done or a catchphrase delivered.
Before I continue with this inquiry, let me say that my life is vastly different now. My then husband and I are no longer married; we are good friends, meet up regularly and enjoy each other’s company. Our divorce, about two years after we separated, was easy and harmonious with a minimum of legal support and only as stipulated by the laws of the land we live in. No longer do I look for good champagne at a reasonable price, go on weekend trips because I can or invest in the share market. I do not need the stimulation of several bank accounts, chasing the best interest rates, of online broking accounts and the ups and downs of share prices. No longer do I need to withdraw from life and hide behind and under the canopy of trees on 75 acres because living in the world is an assault on my sensitivity and hurts too much. No longer am I searching for love.
And again, it seems easier to write about what I no longer do – as in ‘no longer am I searching for love’. So, have I found it? What is it that I do now? What does my life actually look like?
The expression ‘catchphrase’ two paragraphs back strikes me as interesting here; you see, there are no catches and nothing and nobody is out to catch me, you or anyone. You come to The Way of The Livingness in your own time and by alignment – it is not even a choice even though at the time it might seem so and those who professed to love you at the time but didn’t really (and this excludes my ex-husband) will certainly accuse you of having made different and to them unexplainable and strange choices.
So, what does this conundrum of relative speechlessness reveal? Firstly, that not so many words are needed because this way of living life is neither theoretical nor academic but needs to be lived in the body, from the body and with as much awareness as one can muster every step of the way. And the awareness forever increases until it takes in the farthest corners of the universe.
Unbelievable, I hear you say? Yes, I understand.
But back to the question of what this conundrum of relative speechlessness reveals. And thus, secondly, that there are remnants of the attachment to the old misery because, as long as I have problems, there is also something to talk about, dramatise, draw attention to, get some mileage from and make a point of. We are seemingly lost without our conundrums, without what makes us individual as defined by a bespoke and exact shade of devastation and misery, however well disguised that may be. Are we attention-seeking then? Well, we must be while thinking any attention is better than no attention at all.
And mind you – the devastation and misery on sale and very much in demand as far as humankind is concerned are merchandise from one shop only; we just pick and choose our particular and individualised and finely nuanced goods as we move and ingrain our aeon-long patterns. Until, of course, we do not move like that any longer, do not dance to that same tune.
But what does my life look like now?
There are largely no ups and downs and if they occur, they are minor and the knowing that I am responsible for how my life is quickly overrides any attempt at self-pity or wallowing.
Responsibility is writ large and it offers spaciousness, true freedom and ease of movement.
Whenever there should be an issue, I know that it is never about what life has dealt me or what another or others have done but that it is about me, what I have aligned to and the opening I have allowed.
I don’t need the short-lived attention that misery provides but live in the awareness of my physicality, aligning my body and mind to be in the same locality and time zone, both attending to the same task.
I have tasted space past the confines of time and the joy and spaciousness that brings is beyond words.
I work more than ever, get up very early and go to bed early. I have a strong rhythm that supports and confirms me every step of the way and is continually refined and detailed.
I am with The Hierarchy, our brothers who have lived everyday lives like the rest of us, have seen through the illusion; they are the Ascended Masters who are here in non-physical form to support us find our way back to whence we came.
Did I hear a yawn? I understand.
In an interview with Serge Benhayon in 2013 I remarked that his life could be said to be boring; he laughed and agreed. How do you describe and do justice to the joy, spaciousness, purposefulness, knowingness, wisdom, love, truth, harmony and... and... and...
You can’t really and yet you can live it, in full. And it can be felt, even and especially by the most ardent haters of The Way of The Livingness, the Ageless Wisdom and Universal Medicine.
Why hate so much? If you didn’t know how great it is and what choices you have made, you couldn’t be bothered, could you now?
To Serge Benhayon with heartfelt thanks for the phrase “… make suffering a form of valour” in Esoteric Medicine volume II, The expanded understanding, Chapter 11, Pride and the preservation of pride, Part 4, The truth that pride avoids (unpublished at the time of writing).