Healing relationship issues: beginnings of intimacy

Healing relationship issues: some simple steps can change our perspective

Healing relationship issues: beginnings of intimacy

Are relationship issues holding us back from developing intimacy with ourselves and with our partners?

  • Do you feel your relationship is as good as it’s going to get? But there are times when it doesn’t really work; or you feel you would like something more?

  • Is there any part of your relationship you feel could do with an audit? (Like how you speak to each other or listen?)

  • Is the language of intimacy missing?

  • Are past relationships complete? Or, are there unresolved hurts spilling over from previous relationships into your current one?

  • Are you in a relationship because you don’t want to be alone?

Most of us have one or more of the above-mentioned relationship issues affecting the intimacy between us.

So why does it seem difficult to develop our relationship and go deeper? Is there a fear of intimacy?

Are we being stubborn and holding back or are we going for the comfort that we have gotten used to – even if it isn’t fulfilling?

Sometimes it is easier to not ‘go there’ or rock the boat. And sometimes we react with anger or tears when things come up… And it all can go pear-shaped very quickly seemingly for no apparent reason.

What might a willingness to go there be like…?

It could start with deepening our understanding of ourselves and why we react the way we do.

It is often easier to unlock some of our hurts and issues when we are not in conflict – rather than trying to wrestle with them in a crisis.

If we’ve got issues coming up from a past relationship, they may need to be dealt with on a personal level – so it’s not having an effect on the present.

For example, if you’ve been hurt in a previous relationship, you may misread or even look for certain behaviours in your current relationship – to make sure you don’t get hurt again.

… And then you are living two relationships – your old one and your present one.

Sometimes you can no longer see your current partner for who they are, because of the hurts playing out. Blame becomes your friend and intimacy goes out the door! In fact, there can even be a fear of intimacy because of the hurt.

What is Developing Intimacy?

  • Developing intimacy is opening the deeper part of you to your partner and speaking about what’s going on for you – with honesty about how you really feel, (not what another is doing to you).

  • An intimate approach to speaking with each other is to become aware of our tone when we speak; and whether we are holding tension, or are in reaction – so we do not impose this on our partner.

  • Then we may find it easier to bring up something that is difficult, (without feeling that we will be attacked or ridiculed). We can be extremely sensitive to some issues, and so it can be a very loving gesture just to be sensitive to your partner’s feelings. This in itself will develop intimacy between you.

To unlock our true loving selves takes an individual commitment first – and then to our partners; for example self-care, food, rest and exercise – the basics.

It’s important to find what supports and nourishes you and to give yourself this time – You can then bring more tenderness to yourself first and this will naturally extend to your partner.

Wouldn’t it be fascinating to see and feel yourself developing into a loving man or woman – and feeling the strength, beauty and intimacy that is possible when we bring that into our relationships? And how lovely it is to feel our old relationship issues and fear of intimacy starting to dissolve.

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  • By Steven Leca

  • Photography: Alan Johnston, Photographer

    I have studied Social Documentary Photography. Lots of life experience throughout which I have kept a keen sense of humour.