From exhaustion and feeling false to feeling vital and truly looking after myself

From exhaustion and feeling false to feeling vital and truly looking after myself

I was recently looking at some old photos of me, some were from 15 years ago, and others were only 3 years ago (between 33 and 44 years of age). There was a commonality running through all of them. I looked exhausted, I had a smile that looked false and put on, like I was trying to hide what I was feeling on the inside, and my eyes looked empty and contained a real sadness. There was not an ounce of joy in any of them.

In the later photo I had also accumulated about 20kgs in weight. I was actively looking for the joy I could feel I wasn’t, thinking that it was to be found in books, courses and workshops; thinking that by focusing on education I could learn my way out of feeling sad and empty.

Nothing was terrible in my life. I had no illness, okay relationships; I got by, but there was very much something missing.

I had also been working shift work my whole working life, and in nursing for the last 20 years, so on the surface there was a reason for me gaining weight and looking (and feeling) tired and exhausted.

I came to the Universal Medicine Clinic 3 years ago to have my first Sacred Esoteric Healing session after sharing a room with a lovely woman at a residential course that I attended. What I noticed about her was how she cared for herself, how open she was and how much regard she had for herself. I could feel when I was with myself that I did not live this quality. It was like I had put myself on the back burner ignoring me and what I truly needed.

When I had my first Sacred Esoteric Healing session at the clinic I experienced such a loveliness within me, it was nothing I had ever experienced before with any treatment. It was like I connected to a part of myself that I had ignored for a very long time.

Each session, regardless of the practitioner, was gentle, and truly caring, there was space for me to express whatever was needed in each session and I felt supported in a way that was truly nurturing for me. I also felt completely present in my body. At these times whatever was going on outside, did not affect the loveliness I was feeling on the inside.

There was also something about the practitioners that I saw. They were not distracted by anything, I felt and continue to feel that they are completely with me during a consultation, they truly listened without offering sympathy or the need to give advice. This support has been a real gift, allowing me to make new choices in how I was living my life.

I found this really amazing as along with studying nursing, I had also qualified in natural therapies. Through my 15 years of study and then practice, none of this had influenced how I lived and the choices that I made.

In fact what I had done was use the natural medicines to cover up for the choices that I was making. For example I was drinking alcohol most days, overeating (for comfort), not exercising, not seeing the doctor or dentist (for years). I thought I could prescribe for myself for most contingencies. I operated from the "A little bit of everything won’t hurt you" philosophy. That was my version of self-care. I would discuss ‘taking responsibility for our health’ with my natural therapies colleagues, but I was not truly doing this for myself. What I was doing was mis-taking taking responsibility for compliance.

Through the Sacred Esoteric Healing modalities I began to feel what responsibility actually means and how taking responsibility for my choices has changed my life.

I remember as a young person believing that responsibility was really boring, even though it was clearly how I was naturally. I would fight against this just to fit in with friends, to be seen as something or someone.

Now, as I take responsibility for truly caring and nurturing me, the choices I am making are completely different. I no longer need to drink alcohol, my diet is amazing and I now see a doctor and dentist on a regular basis, and it’s all happened naturally with out imposed effort or trying.

I haven’t had to make myself do anything

I used to bite my fingernails from when I was a child. I now no longer do this and even recall the moment when I knew that I didn’t need to do this to myself anymore. I could feel in that moment that I was making a new choice for myself, one that supported me, and the result is beautiful hands and nails that I take great pleasure in nurturing.

My nursing practice has made a 180-degree turn. I was running away from nursing when I studied natural therapies. I wanted out. I know now that I only wanted out because of the way I felt about myself, so it actually wasn’t about nursing at all.

I know that because my job hasn’t changed, nursing hasn’t changed, but I have changed through the support received from Sacred Esoteric Healing.

I now genuinely love my work because of the way that I care for myself. The deeper I care for myself the better the nurse I have become and the more I want to ‘step up’ and be involved at work.

Over the last 2 years I have become regarded as one of the senior nurses in my workplace, which is far from where I was 2 years ago.

The skills we learn in nursing are of utmost importance, but what I am learning is that there is more.

The more of that loveliness and presence I spoke of that I bring with me when I work, the less I am affected by whatever a shift may bring.

Most of the time at work, I have a steadiness, confidence and consistency that feels amazing and is certainly noticed by those around me, colleagues, patients’ and family members. Imagine what would happen in nursing and in health if every practitioner and employee experienced this on a daily basis?

I am not perfect by any stretch and there are aspects of my relationships that do require my ongoing attention and focus. I do however, no longer punish myself for things that are ‘going wrong’. I look at these things completely differently, in a way that is caring, nurturing, supportive and loving for me (and therefore everyone else). I see these moments simply as opportunities to make new choices for myself.

I am this way now because of the way each Sacred Esoteric Healing Practitioner has inspired me by the way they are with themselves, not by how they have told me to be. I can feel the integrity with which they choose to live, in addition to the skills they have as a practitioner.

As I reflect back on those photos, I can now feel that the woman in those photos actually isn’t me anymore, and really wasn’t me in the first place.

I am truly humbled to have such access to these amazing modalities and practitioners. Such levels of care and support are very much needed by humanity. We know within the depths of our being that something is not right as we continually see, perhaps reluctantly, what is going on in our world.

The Sacred Esoteric Healing Modalities offer something very real for humanity . . . not cures or solutions, but the opportunity to feel and re-connect to a place within ourselves that is nothing less than love.

Filed under

Self-nurturingExhaustionRole modelsBurn-outShift work

  • By Jennifer Smith, RN, B Nursing, Spec Cert Pall Care

    Jennifer works as a full-time palliative care nurse and loves it. She’s passionate about the way self-care and self-nurturing influences the way she cares for and supports others and how it provides a solid foundation for her to work from.