Sexual relief or making love: men talk

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Sexual relief or making love: men talk

What happens when a group of men talk openly about the difference between having sex and making love?

In one recent discussion, what arose was the stark difference between the experience of having sex and of making love, and what that means to us as men. The men in question were able to discern the difference between the two experiences and each man was at their own unique stage of the path towards making love rather than having sex, discarding sexual energy and allowing for a deeper connection to form in their lovemaking. What was shared was very special – that each man felt drawn towards making life about love. No perfection, but all men in this discussion could feel how special making love is and how merely having sex doesn’t cut it anymore; it is unfulfilling, leaving feelings of emptiness.

Some of the aspects that were discussed:

  • It was considered that having sex is a form of relief, a solitary act with a beginning and an end, often leaving uncomfortable feelings for men post-coital and a desire to vacate the scene, whether physically or otherwise.
  • One man shared how his partner called him out for seeking relief by asking for intercourse. Being honest about this, he was able to admit that he had been seeking relief – it was a beautiful thing to be that honest and not go into rejection. If we become aware we are seeking relief it gives us an insight into how we are living and how we can make more self-loving choices as men.
  • Natural urges; are they really natural or just governed by our choices? In moving towards making love we get to see that the primal urge to have sex is a way of looking at sexual relations that is fed to us – we buy into it or we don’t. It is not respectful and contains no intimacy – it is not who we are in our essence. When we live each moment with love there is no urge, no sexual energy – only deep connection.
  • Another man shared how he used to look to dominate women in his search for sexual relief, whereas now he recognises that building loving connections is a far more fulfilling experience. If we become aware of sexual energy and a craving for sex, and place intimacy and connection first, then the need can start to dissipate. We feel the alternative way to be is making love a natural way of being, not an act we perform.
  • Yet another shared how making love feels like a completion of how you live, not a peak or climax or finish, just a confirmation of the love you are living with your partner in all aspects of your life: whether being intimate or doing household chores, you are building that relationship.
  • Making love isn’t planned, it unfolds – there is no build up.
  • The more we fill ourselves up with self-loving choices, the less we need to look outside of us for a sexual act to fulfil us.
  • Changing from sexual energy to making love is not an overnight thing but something we develop from those choices and our willingness to deepen our own regard for both self and everyone else.
  • Our movements and thus our lives are more meaningful and we have deeper connections when we are not focussing on sex.

Society does not confirm the love we are, and thus the love we could be making. The pornification and objectification of women means that to be making love our daily living is against the grain of what is imposed upon all men everywhere we look.

As men we must deeply respect women and honour all that is special within them. We must rise above the murkiness of what is currently seen as expected and normalised male behaviour that seeps into a drive for sex. In doing so we can see the potential for connection, for making love from how we live.

If making love has more to offer than having sex, then perhaps our future as men is to have these conversations, to scratch below the surface and explore what it means for us to live as a man making love in all his daily life: to reject the models presented that do not ask us to live with the level of integrity that we would naturally show if not tainted by our surroundings.

To stay only searching for sex is to miss out on what making love means and how it is transformative of one’s whole life, because you live the love you make.

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Making love

Making love is a confirmation and celebration of the loving way you have been living with another.

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LivingnessSexIntimacyMaking LoveHealthy Relationships

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