Home is where the hurt is
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Home is where the hurt is
We are told that home is where the heart is — that we are safest within our own four walls, free to relax, be ourselves, and “let it all hang out”. Family, we are told, will accept us for who we are. They will have our backs. They can be relied upon when the world turns cruel.
Popular culture reinforces this ideal through sayings like family is everything, family will always be there for you and you can’t choose your family. These phrases suggest that family is the ultimate refuge. But if this is truly the case, why are we statistically more likely to be abused in our own homes, and by someone we know, than anywhere else in the world? If home were really the safest place, would this be true?
Consider the statistics – likely underreported, given that nine out of ten women who experience assault do not contact the police[1]. And this was before COVID lockdowns, which only intensified isolation and risk. In addition to these numbers, globally, over half of all children experience violence each year[2].
In 2016 in Australia:
- Two in five people aged 18 and over had experienced violence since the age of 15.
- 92% of women who experienced assault report that the offender was a male known to them.
- 65% of those assaults occurred in their own homes.
Realistically, your home is the least safe place on earth. You are more likely to be abused and/or murdered in your own home than anywhere else. In my workplace, I hear stories every day of people who were abused, shut down or dismissed in their family homes – stories that create deeply wounded, emotionally guarded adults. When I ask why they didn’t speak up, the most common answer is: I didn’t want to upset the family.
The fear is real – if you call out abuse, you risk being abandoned, disowned or ostracised. That’s because, in many cases, that’s exactly what happens. It’s fine to perpetuate the abuse, heck, it’s even encouraged, but calling it out is a definite no-no.
The “unconditional love” celebrated in movies and preached at family gatherings often comes with more conditions than you can poke a stick at. We will always love you … as long as you don’t tell the truth about what’s happening here. Don’t air your dirty laundry in public. Keep quiet about the creepy uncle, the bullying siblings, the constant belittling. Smile for the family photo, dear, never mind the fact that your cousin is groping you in the background and your grandmother just called you fat. And if we must gather, it’s best if there’s alcohol involved to grease the wheels of tolerance and make the tension bearable.
Abuse thrives because it is allowed to exist inside family homes. If every family addressed the abuse in their own four walls, it could be eradicated in a single generation. But silence protects it. If more than half the world’s children are abused every year, why hasn’t the world stopped? Where are the mandated lockdowns and global policies to eradicate this abuse? If two in five adults experience abuse after the age of 15, why do we accept it as inevitable? Perhaps because the truth hits too close to home, in a literal sense. We protect the things that we do not want to see in ourselves.
Not my family, you might protest. But yes, every family has its levels of abuse, and just because it is not obvious, it doesn’t mean it is not harmful. We have been sold a false reality where family is always loving and safe. Who can honestly say they were adored, accepted and cherished exactly as they were? That they were never made to feel “too much”, “not enough” or excluded from the inner circle? Every day I witness the heartbreak of children, now grown, who were never loved by the very people who were “supposed” to love them. But who decided they were supposed to? Movies? Teachers? Relatives? The world drills into us that “family comes first” and “they’ll always have your back”. The harsh truth is: often, they don’t. We look over there longing for what we think others have, but they don’t have it either. Some families are just better at covering it up than others.
People are broken inside their family homes. The very brick and mortar that is supposedly there to protect us, houses and hides the abuse that parents will proclaim they are trying to shield their loved ones from. People are made to feel worthless, inadequate, inconvenient and invisible. They learn to survive either by being the “good” child – compliant, quiet, agreeable – or by rebelling because nothing they do will ever be good enough. Instead of being celebrated for who they are, children twist themselves into shapes designed to survive, not thrive. Their primary aim becomes avoiding attack, not living authentically aligned to what they feel is true.
This does not end when we are grown, but perpetuates into the next home in your so-called romantic relationships. Family members will be outraged if someone is being bullied at school or in their workplace and, correctly so, will want to protect the ones they love from any harm. But there is such a double standard here. It’s not okay for anyone outside these walls to treat you with disrespect, but inside these walls, it’s totally fine. If a mother yells, insults and ridicules her child, or vice versa, that is totally fine. But it’s not okay if anyone else does it; they are to be condemned? If your brother abuses you, you need to forgive him because he is family, and you can’t turn your back on family. Come on, people, I know you have been on the receiving end of the defended abuse from the hands of the ones that are supposedly meant to protect you. We need to start waking up to this.
Why do we have graded definitions of abuse? If you would not accept a particular behaviour from a stranger, then why is it okay for a family member to behave that way? Don’t tell me it’s because they feel safe with you. Don’t tell me it’s because they love you and they can just be themselves. We need to stop excusing abuse because of our own pillows of comfort and desire to be loved and accepted. If you would not treat a stranger a particular way, then don’t do it to a family member. Equally, if you would not accept a behaviour from a stranger, then don’t accept it from a family member.
The first step toward change is not simply longer prison sentences for perpetrators; it is dismantling the myth that family is inherently safe. Statistically, it is not. In reality, it is not.
Until we face that truth, the hurt will keep happening, and it will keep happening at home. A title like mother, brother, father, sister, son, daughter or grandfather does not grant the right to treat you however they wish. The way forward is to make family about love first, and love is, by vibrational definition, the absence of abuse, not the enablement of it. Most of the time, the family tree does not shelter you; it falls upon and crushes you. So if we want anything to change, we need to start waking up to that fact and making family about love first before anything else.
"The three basic tenets that found and make family true:
Serge Benhayon Esoteric Teachings & Revelations Volume II, ed 1, p 442
True family is about love;
it is not about abuse and control.
True family is about love;
it is not about surnames, blood, skin colour or genes.
True family is about love;
it is not an intellectual understanding, gathering or the making from an egg or sperm."
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Filed under
Abuse, Domestic violence, Family
