How to find your ideal lover

All across the planet there are people searching and seeking for love.

Whether it’s through the organised structure of an internet dating site, a random meeting on an airplane, a date for coffee or a drunken hook-up on a night out – people everywhere are seeking for their next new lover. And when we find our next new lover, there is all the excitement and buzz of getting to know him or her, the tingles of passion and frissons of delight and pleasure that draw us ever closer. We feel like the honeymoon will never end ...

But for many couples the initial highs and thrills get replaced with a more sober and mundane approach as the excitement wanes and the inevitable challenges of coupledom arise. The dream that we had met ‘the one’ who was going to complete us, to fulfil us, to love us till death do us part, can be a replaced by a nightmare fuelled by issues of control, jealousy, unmet needs and much more.

Even if the nightmare scenario does not arise, many couples struggle to maintain the love that they had in those early years – where instead of every experience being new and fresh, it now has the musty smell of well-worn, unwashed old socks. There is perhaps a measure of comfort in that we know where we are, we know the routine, we know our partner’s likes and dislikes. There are no surprises. And perhaps that is part of the problem?

For a flower to grow and bloom it needs to be planted in good soil, nurtured and nourished, tended to, watered regularly and weeds removed, otherwise it withers and dies. So too do our relationships need a strong foundation, need tending to, nurturing and nourishing, issues dealt with and a healthy dose of love to play and grow with.

Relationships are not meant to be static – but are to grow and evolve and that means we have to grow and evolve. They become stagnant and of the old sock variety if we think we just meet ‘the one’ and then game over.

  • But what if we could find a new lover where the relationship never ended, never grew stale or old or too comfortable?
  • What if we could find that one person who really knew us, knew our experiences, knew how we felt, our desires, our hurts, our dreams – who was really into us and loved being with us?
  • Who had our back 24/7, who was our best supporter, who didn’t judge or criticise us, who encouraged us to grow and expand (not in girth!) as people?
  • Someone who was willing to be there with us through thick and thin, who was our best friend, wise advisor and guide.
  • The kind of lover that you never grew sick of spending time with, whose company was a pleasure to have around, who was light hearted, playful and joyful.
  • A lover whose love is truly unconditional

All sound too good to be true?

Where on earth could one find such a lover?

Is it just a utopian ideal?

Well, what if such a lover CAN be found?

  • Would you accept him or her completely or would you arc up, react, play up and do anything and everything to destroy even this relationship?
  • Would such profound love be too much for you to handle?
  • Would your lack of self-worth cause you to find fault, create issues and ultimately reject what is the love of your life, whilst all the time claiming that such a lover is what you want?

Worth considering.

But what if such a lover lives within you, and me, and all of us?

What if the new lover we have been seeking all the time on the outside has been on the inside all along – just waiting for us to make the connection and bring to life what has been laying dormant inside?

Imagine – the greatest love of your life is living inside you right now!

A love that if we connect to it and live from it, changes and transforms everything ... even doing the laundry. The mundane is no longer mundane but has a new sense of purpose and meaning when seen with the eyes of love in a much bigger picture. Living with our new lover means we are no longer dependent upon rewards, accolades and achievements from the outside to feel good about ourselves – we know we are already more than anything any outer identifier or reward can bring us.

Every day we have the opportunity to deepen our relationship with our new inner lover, to listen to their wise voice, to be guided to make loving choices that care for and look after our bodies – no book or manual or research guide required, for this new lover already knows what is healthy for us and what is not – we just have to ask and listen.

We no longer need to be in the perpetual seeking of finding a new lover, for we know with our inner lover we are already whole and complete; no need for anyone to complete us, fulfil us, or be our other half. And at the same time we are open to sharing our relationship with everyone else, bringing the love we are to all and to everything we do. That too may include an intimate relationship with another – so that we can deepen, grow and evolve even more in our relationship with ourselves and all others.

Finding the new lover inside of yourself is the best foundation you can have for all your other relationships – indeed I could say that without it, every other relationship is sure to be fraught with issues, many of which melt and dissolve when we come home to the lover within.

Filed under

Self-nurturingLoveSelf-worthSelf-loveDatingRelationship problems

  • By Dr Eunice Minford, MBChB MA Dipl Clin Ed FRCS Ed

    Eunice Minford works as a Consultant General Surgeon. She has trained as an Interfaith Minister and Spiritual Counsellor and has an MA in Applied Spirituality.

  • Photography: Joseph Barker

    To sketch, paint and question life. To cook, laugh and wonder why. To hug, hum and appreciate the sky, to look into another's eyes. These are some of the reasons Joseph loves life and is inspired to contribute to this amazing site.