Motherhood – Am I doing it right?
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Motherhood – Am I doing it right?
Becoming a mother is a big event in many women’s lives. For some it is the culmination of years of longing for the day when they could hold their own baby, while for others it may be a role they had always assumed they would fulfill ‘one day’, and for another group again, it was never in their plans, but it happened anyway! Regardless of the initial intentions around motherhood, something that is guaranteed to be a focus point for the vast majority is the urge to do everything the ‘right’ way. This ‘got to get it right’ conviction is driven by an underlying fear of getting it ‘wrong’ and thus, causing harm to their child in one way or another. The supposed misdeed is then used as proof that they are a ‘bad’ person and a failure as a parent.
‘Motherhood’ is also a role that is under close scrutiny by those around us with family, friends and complete strangers frequently judging and comparing the mother’s behaviours to their own beliefs, ideologies and expectations. As a mother, we know that this goes on wherever we look, so we do all we can to avoid the sense of shame, guilt and humiliation that usually floods in when there is any hint that we are not doing a good job, i.e., we are ‘getting it wrong’. Hence, the continual roller coaster women find themselves on as they anxiously compare themselves and their child to other mothers and children of a similar age to their own.
Working for many years as a perinatal counsellor, I have observed that this ‘battle’ to get it ‘right’ can start even before pregnancy as women who want to conceive intently keep watch on their cycles so that they can maximise the likelihood of falling pregnant. But if that doesn’t happen within a certain timeframe, women frequently start to blame their body because it is not responding in the ‘right’ way. The self-loathing festers, and along with it, the conviction that their body is not performing the way a ‘real’ woman’s body should when she is doing everything according to what medical science has told her is the correct process to follow for falling pregnant. Women’s lives can become consumed by the quest to conceive, and their partners are expected to agree that the emphasis on falling pregnant needs to take centre stage in the couple’s lives.
For some couples that day never comes and mostly this outcome is engulfed in sadness and grief that can take some time to dissipate, if at all. For others, whether through natural conception or through the assistance of reproductive technology, conception occurs, and the stage is set for the next stage of making sure that everything is done ‘right’ during the pregnancy. The visits to doctors, midwifery and perhaps allied health staff, the blood tests and scans are all undertaken at their allotted times and then results are apprehensively awaited.
Naturally, people want a healthy baby, and this is not to suggest that all these types of services be ignored as they are each very important components used to monitor the health and wellbeing of both mother and child. However, rarely do we stop and consider the energy in which these activities are undertaken and the impact this subsequently has on our connection with our body and the foetus. For many the emphasis is on seeking reassurance that they are doing all the ‘right’ things and that medically, the pregnancy is progressing according to everyone’s expectations. Again, this is understandable, but do we let our fears and efforts to control what is happening override everything else that our bodies may be communicating to us in terms of how truly sacred, precious and amazing our bodies are? And does this fear of somehow getting something ‘wrong’, and therefore being a ‘bad’ woman, add an invisible, yet palpably felt energetic barrier between us and our baby; a baby who, even at the foetal stage, knows our true innate worth and yet, despite our imperfections, has still specifically chosen us to be their mother?
As we all know, there are times when things do not follow the hoped-for path. If a woman receives the news that there is some type of major abnormality with the baby, she is faced with the decision of whether or not to terminate the pregnancy, and ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ are there immediately, throwing their weight around in terms of who or what is to blame. The same applies if a woman has a miscarriage or stillbirth. Regardless of the outside factors at play, invariably underneath everything, the woman frequently holds a belief that if only she had said or done XYZ, the outcome might have been different. The sense of regret is strong, and the self-demeaning thoughts are extremely harsh in their delivery with tentacles usually reaching into all areas of the woman’s life. It is an ever-deepening hole where it seems that no matter which way the woman turns, she cannot escape the overarching feeling that this event, which often also triggers memories of other hurts accumulated across the lifespan, confirms that there is something inherently ‘wrong’ with her and she needs to re-double her efforts to get it ‘right’ with any future pregnancies.
For those who have a continuing pregnancy, next comes the preparations for the birth. Anxiety tends to rise considerably as the time for the birth draws near. Often women turn to the increasingly competitive Wild West ‘anything goes’ environment that dominates within both mainstream and social media and its ‘righteous’ promotion of ‘right’ or flagrantly biased views on ‘wrong’ for information and advice. This leaves the door wide open for ideals, beliefs and expectations to quickly escalate and take over as women aspire to have the ‘perfect birth’. Community condemnation can be strong for those who go against the norms of what is judged to be the ‘right’ and ‘best’ way to birth. Many women I speak with feel ashamed when birth plans have needed to be abandoned due to an emergency at the time. While there is a part of them that acknowledges that the steps taken were usually necessary to ensure the safety of both their baby and their self, there is nonetheless a gnawing sense that they have failed. The belief that the body has let them down is used as proof that they are not meeting the marker set according to societal dictates for what constitutes a ‘real’ woman who ‘should’ be able to birth a child without encountering any problems.
The birthing experience has a strong flow-on impact as women transition to the next stage of caring for an infant. If the birth has gone well, women are often on a high and their confidence levels rise as hopes, dreams and expectations have neatly dovetailed together. If women do feel an instant rush of love for their child after birth, like the books, magazines and media sources all tout as something any ‘normal’ woman would experience, then the sigh of relief is unmistakable. It is taken as proof that they are on the ‘right’ track and all is going well, but what they don’t realise is that they are potentially establishing or further entrenching a trajectory of adhering to ‘rightness’ and always having to be right at the expense of sensitivity and responsivity.
But where does this leave the many women who do not feel such a surge when nursing their newborn, and in fact, feel so distant and disconnected from the child they are holding that it seems like the baby is a complete stranger? It is a devastating position that more women than we care to realise find themselves in. Everything around them feeds back the message that they are a failure; that there is something grossly wrong with them as a woman and mother because they are not feeling a strong flow of unconditional love for their child. This sense of ‘badness’ becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy every time they are unable to settle their crying baby or when they feel ‘touched out’ from breast feeding and/or carrying a baby around all day. In its worst moments, women start to believe the head ‘noise’ telling them that their baby hates them and that everyone would be better off if they were not here; that they should kill themselves because they just can’t get this mothering thing ‘right’ and they feel anything but a ‘good’ mother.
Even if things are flowing relatively smoothly, there is still the challenge of meeting all the demands and expectations of family friends and society at large in terms of the rights and wrongs of caring for an infant, such as breast versus bottle feeding, sleep and settling routines, if you should let a baby ‘cry it out’ or attend immediately, making sure the baby is keeping up with designated growth and developmental milestones and so forth. If mothers take their baby and do venture out to social outings where there are other mothers and babies, the energy of competition, comparison and jealousy may be subtle but is nevertheless fierce and can be felt through behaviours, words, and the general lack of any real transparency in the interactions taking place. Everyone is busy ranking themselves and others around them to get a sense of where they fit within the group setting in terms of how successfully they have adjusted to and are coping as a mother. Running parallel with this behaviour is the toxic culture of competition between mothers as they size up how well their child is doing in terms of achieving the ‘right’ milestones compared to the other children present. If their child appears to be in the ‘normal’ range, mothers breathe a sigh of relief, but they feel even ‘better’ if their baby is ahead of where other children of a similar age are at.
Little wonder that so many women find such gatherings exhausting, difficult and lacking in true intimacy and warmth when right/wrong, good/bad, better than and best are constantly energetically, and sometimes overtly, running through the whole group! It is the perfect playground for the wildfire spread of sly whispers, rumours, gossip and cheap comments, despite how poisonous these normalised forms of abuse are for all involved. The pattern continues on as the baby grows, and each step of the way there are messages bombarding the mother from everywhere, all emphasising that she must get it ‘right’ – or else all the blame will be on her.
This overwhelming and intense pressure to be a ‘good’ mother is on women everywhere, yet we don’t pause to question it. Rarely has anyone stopped to consider whether this way of living, which is ‘common’ and therefore regarded as ‘normal’, is actually representative of a true way of living. But just because something is widely accepted without a murmur of protest does not mean that it is ‘natural’ or contains any ‘truth’. We need only look at what has been presented here to clock the level of disempowerment women experience when conception, pregnancy, childbirth, childcaring and rearing are always being balanced on a right/wrong set of scales.
In wider societal circles there is the ongoing fight for women’s rights, yet we do not realise that we are instigators and enablers on our own disempowerment through our convictions about mothering that are all based around trying to get it ‘right’. This is not to say that we should take a laid back, indifferent approach to parenting as it is a very important role. But do we need to remain loyally wed to this right/wrong consciousness that has us caught up in endlessly trying to jump through the hoops to prove to ourselves and others that we are ‘good’ women and mothers? Despite how exhausted, battered and bruised we feel, we continue to apply emphasis, enormous effort and the selective use of knowledge to push on. We are led to believe that the only other alternative is to admit defeat and give up – and the shame and guilt in doing that is unbearable for most. Hence, the need to look for some form of respite from the conundrum we find ourselves caught in to try and block out the sense of hopelessness and failure, whether that be work, food, drugs, alcohol or information technology and the endless list of ways we have found to numb or distract ourselves away from what is happening.
It appears to be a no-win situation – but is it really? What if we can return to the true meaning of woman and motherhood, which women around the globe largely abandoned aeons ago, partially due to letting the concepts of right/wrong and good/bad take the lead role in dictating what we can and can’t know, be and do as mothers? We have paid a steep price for this lapse, but it is not irreparable if we are willing to accept responsibility and set to work to purposefully reconnect with what we gave up in the quest for comfort and the security of conformity. In truth, the sensitivity of a woman (and a man) is incredible, yet it is something that is frequently treated as a personal flaw and needs to be covered up at all costs. Instead, hardness, drive and toughness are seen as strengths – but all they do is add to the layers of density that see us caught time and time again in not knowing what is going on until it is too late to prevent it from its inevitable crash landing.
"A message to all mothers: It is wiser to mother from your innate knowing rather than from the ideals and beliefs that flood your head."
Serge Benhayon Esoteric Teachings & Revelations Volume I, ed 1, p 547
Women especially possess a deep level of Sacredness in their bodies that feels exquisite, but first we need to settle in order to connect with what is being energetically and physically communicated to us through our precious bodies. If we can stay with this settlement, we will feel a stillness that takes us to the Sacredness that is innate within every human being. The beautiful qualities of love, joy, truth, harmony and stillness are always there waiting to enrich us whenever we take a moment to connect with our essence – that inner part of us known as our ‘Soul’ – and allow what is in the inner to be brought to the outer in all its magnificence. It is not about what our body, judged as it currently is according to all the debilitating versions we have of right and wrong, can or cannot do. We have been trying that method for thousands of years and clearly it has not worked because women everywhere are still, if not more so than ever, struggling with lack of self-worth and massive self-doubt, especially when it comes to mothering. Instead of loathing our body, what is being offered here is that our body is first and foremost the conduit to the limitless love, wisdom and truth of the Soul.
When we live with whole body mindedness, i.e., the union of mind, body and Soul, we have access to a vast well of ageless, ancient wisdom and intelligence that extends way beyond what our three-dimensional world can provide for us. We are being shown that in truth, we are divine, multidimensional beings, and when we nurture and nourish the Sacred, precious being that we inherently are, we find that the whole job of mothering becomes simplified. What previously would have left us feeling totally confused, lost and inadequate can no longer control us as what and how something needs to be done can be felt as a truth, regardless of who agrees or disagrees with the path we take. As we go about the day-to-day routines our movements emanate a sense of power, grace and authority that does not contain an ounce of arrogance or entitlement as they are founded through an at-one-ment with the substance of our Soul.
"Understand that sacredness is at the core of being; it is your be-ingness. And therefore, each and every part of your body holds a depth of delicateness that is beyond human. So, go ahead and reclaim your sacredness; you will then enrich us all with more than we are."
Serge Benhayon Teachings & Revelations for The Livingness Volume III, ed 1, p 284
As has been highlighted throughout this article, right and wrong, good and bad have infiltrated every area of human life to such an extent that we don’t even question their validity. To be clear, what has been presented here does not mean that we have to parent alone; we all as members of society hold the responsibility for how children are raised. There will be times when extra support will be needed, and it is totally appropriate to reach out to access whatever additional resources are required. However, it is extremely important that we discern the energetic quality of both who and what we turn to for the information or services we are seeking. To date, the majority have blindly placed their trust in whatever we have been told is the best way to be a mother and accept wherever the bar has been set and disregard or override the way the goal posts keep moving. Much of what was considered ‘right’ and ‘good’ in mothering five or ten years ago, for example, is now on the ‘outer’ and is regarded as ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’. But still, we keep trying our hardest to meet the designated standards and uphold the treasured values that help to prop up the dogma that underpins ‘right’ and ‘good’.
We often baulk at change and there is no doubt that it takes commitment to develop consistency with developing a new way of living, but with each step towards our Soul, the Soul will respond immediately in even greater measure. Furthermore, our Soul never judges, blames or expects anything of us, so when we have our ‘off’ moments, it will step back and wait until we are ready to reconnect again. Anything that disturbs this equilibrium begins to easily show itself as not having a foundation of truth and therefore needs to be discarded without a second glance, even if it does seemingly mean going against popular opinion.
As we learn to return to this ‘more-than-human’ way of Livingness, the debacle that sees women and mothers everywhere anxiously questioning ‘am I doing it right?’ would cease to exist. Instead, it would be replaced with integrity, dignity, respect and a clear sense of purpose as women restored an ancient way of living that shut out all the outside noise trying to goad us into stressing about right and wrong.
Instead, mothering would be carried out through first and foremost aligning to our essence and allowing our Soul to communicate what is truly needed to care for each unique, divinely designed child that we have been given the responsibility to care for and raise. No rah, rah, simply getting on with the job of living in the vibrancy of our full selves without apologies or justifications. We each have a key role to play; are we ready to live as the truly grand, divine beings that we innately are – not just the sake of ourselves and our children, but also as a purposeful service for humanity at large?
"We must let go of all those belief systems and values
Serge Benhayon Esoteric & Exoteric Philosophy, ed 1, p 203
that feed the mind into believing what we are told
rather than knowing what is truth
from the impulses that live within the inner-most of every being."
Filed under
Children, Motherhood, Parenting, Responsibility, Soul
