Marijuana came into my life as a relief from the feeling of tiredness through lack of sleep and a continual bombardment of thoughts that led to the feeling of everything coming in on me. I was not happy, work was drudgery and I was after an escape from this cell that was my life.

Everyone I knew drank alcohol and socially this was an accepted means of relief from the mundane. I on the other hand was sensitive to alcohol and had a reaction to it that made it uncomfortable to drink; I simply could not hold my alcohol. The next day I would feel wrecked far beyond what others would experience, even though I had drunk far less. This was a family trait and seems to be consistent with the fact I have Aboriginal and Asian blood in my background.

So eventually I decided to try a puff of weed; it wasn’t something new as others I knew smoked dope, I just had not gone there. Like alcohol it was portrayed as a relatively safe recreational drug – definitely not in the same league as heroin, speed, cocaine or LSD.

It was just a weed and could be grown as a pot plant… of course legally this was unacceptable, whereas it was totally accepted legally to buy a box of wine, beer or a bottle of spirits on a regular basis, even though people would not behave rationally: some when they drank would become violent, abusive, reckless and lose whatever standards they usually lived by.

Whereas the dialogue around dope was along the lines of ‘it is natural and nothing is added to it… not processed and not aggressive’.

I tried it and it was great. It did the job; I felt that it was a time out from the chaos. I had space and didn’t feel hemmed in, I felt relaxed, the bombardment of thought halted and I went to sleep… and slept for some time. I had been living off 3 hours sleep a night, so this was bliss.

I had finally found my medication as I had gone to doctors for help previously and been given things like Mogadons to help with sleep, without success.

Like all things you rely on, it very quickly became imperative that I had a supply of my choice of drug and I had the space to administer it. My world had started to revolve around dope and it became ‘my precious’ – more so than food, exercise, work and people – even though my drug was no longer having the same effects as it did on my first puff. My habit was not cheap; this weed was expensive to buy and was not easy to grow in the city, due to it being illegal.

As with all drugs, there are grades of products with different effects. I had reached a point where only A-grade head of the plant or hashish oil would do it for me and if that was not available then a lesser grade with a bottle of tequila or on occasion LSD as well. Without drugs it was a nightmare, a living hell of living on the edge of continually snapping and not being able to cope with anything: in truth, drug or no drug, I had ceased to be able to even function in the world, let alone have any enjoyment – it was all about dope and getting stoned.

My body suffered, work suffered, relationships and family all suffered.

I had started to buy from growers and sell to dealers in large quantities to earn some money and to uphold my habit. This had become quite brazen to the point where I carried large garbage bags openly from pickup to drop off without a care for the consequences if I happened to be caught: I was living more and more in a seedy world of drugs, money, violence, guns and poor health.

My partner and I had a baby girl and that was it – I had to do something; I couldn’t bring up a child like this and I had to find a way of dealing with this world and trying to make sense of it, so I enrolled in a naturopathic course, started studying and stopped the dope and of course who I was mixing with also changed. It wasn’t easy but it had to be done.

Another child and a move to the country – in a relationship that was not working – started a slide back into the use of dope, with this time the reasoning being that I could grow it and use it as my medicine.

This of course was a lie and the ‘same-same but different’ cycle I found myself in. I would give up through some sort of discipline and then when life became too hard go back to my drug and so on.

This was ongoing for many years until some time later when a life threatening cardiac event stopped me in my tracks and allowed me to start again: this time I started to make choices that aligned with confirming in my body a ‘yumminess’ I had not felt for some time, at least since I was a boy.

I was supported by my now wife, along with Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine practitioners, to deepen my life through loving choices to once again feel that love in my own body; a warmth, a vitality and a wanting to share my life with family, friends and the people I meet in my life.

I could say I don’t know how I functioned and survived my dope world and I look at others still stuck in it and see how hard it is in a world that is not easy – that is always attempting to run you. A life that has been reduced to the all-important next puff when everything is numb and nothing matters and all else is second to this place where time seems to stop. This is of course delusional and is an attempt to escape the pressure or overwhelm of life and the responsibility for our part in the life or world we have chosen to live in.

I have absolutely no need for this drug any more. How is that possible? The world hasn’t changed with all its madness, but I have changed how I live in such a world and see that as my responsibility. Here, there is no place to blame or curse others for the unfairness I have been dealt.

What does this change look like? I realised I am a very sensitive, simple man that wanted to be loved and to love; who better to love me than myself? So I started making loving choices for myself.

How lovely it is to wake from a deeply enriching sleep to a fresh new day where anything is possible; this just doesn’t happen by itself. To go backwards from that sleep is to have gone to sleep at a time when my body said it needed to sleep, to have lived a day where food choices have left my body at ease feeling warm and yummy, to deal with what is presented to me as it comes, to understand reaction to what comes is only a way of putting something off that will eventually have to be dealt with lovingly.

To know unequivocally something we all deeply know and is reflected by babies, which we have all been; that in essence we are love and it is that quality we are responsible for, to walk and talk in love, to meet each other in love and be that love.

How does any drug come near that?!

Thank you Serge Benhayon for reawakening the loving truth, leading back to who I am.


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