Sex, love and married life

I was a shy child and never really felt like I connected to anyone growing up, so it was a surprise, or maybe I should call it a relief, that a man would take an interest in me at the age of 19.

There was an instant attraction; he was tall, dark and handsome and ticked all the boxes. I was working behind a bar pulling pints where he was a regular visitor; he would play a dice game with his friends, get drunk and stagger home on his bicycle. Yet there was something about him that I liked.

I had never had a boyfriend before so when he asked me out on a date I didn’t hesitate – I guess I was flattered. He was kind, generous, and had a sense of humour: call me naïve but I didn’t hesitate in jumping straight into a relationship that would span the next 30 years of my life. Within 4 months we were living in a one room bedsit, 6 months later we bought our first house and a few months later, the day after my 21st birthday, we were married.

I liked him but I didn’t really know what love was, although I suppose I thought I did at the time. I had never had sex before either. It felt mechanical and cold and certainly never pleasurable for me. I would often wonder what an orgasm felt like too; it would be another 30 plus years until I discovered that for myself! I thought that I was above all that kind of stuff, that it didn’t matter if I didn’t enjoy it, it was him that I needed to keep happy.

Looking back now I know that sex was just a relief for him, a relief from feeling the emptiness inside. But it was an assault on my body, and I allowed him to use me in that way for 30 years in the name of love, security and comfort, and I allowed it to happen to assuage my guilt.

I was complicit in it of course; I craved attention and wanted to be loved and this was the only way I knew how to get it. There was no real intimacy either… I didn’t even know what the word truly meant at the time.

He loved to talk and was a bit of a prankster, especially after a drink he was the life and soul of the party. He looked after me well, was loyal, hardworking, attentive and gave me everything I wanted, or at least what I thought I wanted. My parents liked him and I thought that made everything ok.

The first few years were great

The first few years were great; we were great friends, never argued and appeared the perfect couple. After about 4 or 5 years into our marriage something happened. We had returned home from an evening out and were getting ready for bed. I was getting undressed and an overwhelming feeling came over me … what was the point of all of this? I suddenly felt empty. But the feeling came and went so I ignored it and continued with married life for another 25 years.

He was not a bad person and treated me well, but it was not enough – what was it that I was looking for – what was the missing piece of that elusive puzzle? We had two young daughters who kept me busy. I cooked, cleaned, and took up creative hobbies, I walked a lot and pumped iron at the gym … the usual stuff. I was not interested in politics, didn’t read the newspaper or take much interest in what was happening in the world. Nothing held my interest for long.

This applied to my working life as well. I have worked all my married life, sometimes holding down two jobs at once, but I found nothing fulfilling, or certainly long lasting. I didn’t have any friends outside of my marriage either, I was not a great one for cultivating relationships on my own so I relied on my husband and enjoyed my own company and that of the children when we were at home.

I began to struggle with my marriage

It was during this time that I began to struggle with my marriage. Talk about escapism into married life without really knowing what love was or what it meant to really relate to someone on an intimate level, and I don’t just mean physically. We thought we would be together forever. It was a marriage of comfort and I had settled for it. I hid behind him and allowed him to do all the talking. I didn’t know who I was but it suited me well; I didn’t even know I had a sense of humour until after I got divorced! I rejected him time after time and that is when he turned to drink.

Although he held down a good job, his sometimes-excessive drinking was enough to change his behaviour and the children, then teenagers, didn’t like it. He was never violent although sometimes he could be argumentative, and he often would fall asleep on the sofa and roll into bed in the early hours of the morning. This suited me because then I didn’t have to have the pressure of having sex, which was how I felt – pressured into doing something I didn’t want to do just to keep him happy. If there was any blame here it would be me blaming myself for not expressing how I felt and rejecting him time after time. Our marriage was just an arrangement of convenience that wasn’t working, but neither of us had the courage to do anything about it. It’s tough to break away from someone you have loved for so many years, brought up children with, shed laughter and tears with, but the time comes when enough is enough, even if you have no idea where life is going to lead.

Finally there came a point when my body began to shout loudly but I wasn’t able to express how I felt; I knew I just couldn’t be near him anymore and he didn’t understand. I didn’t understand it either. It was time to move on and we were finally divorced almost 30 years to the day from when we went on our first date. He was gracious and courteous to the end and there is still a level of mutual respect between us.

After this my relationship with other men began to change too, although it was the relationship with myself that came later and that shift changed my life forever. I was beginning to see that there was possibly more to me, but not until I had swayed a little down a path of sex, drink and rock ‘n roll – the reality was I was still looking for that elusive thing I felt was missing – love.

After my divorce and finding myself single again I went a bit wild (by my standards anyway!). I had an apartment in the centre of town and used to take myself off to nightclubs and dance the night away. I used sex to find love … usually after several glasses of wine … I used alcohol to give me confidence but it totally changed the way I behaved and all inhibitions went out of the window. All I wanted was to find love but all I got was abused and I walked right into it. In my mind, the wrong kind of attention from a man was better than no attention at all.

I spent the next two or three years after my separation from my ex living the ‘high life’, but it left me feeling cheap, not to mention exhausted. I had 2 or 3 short term relationships, one of which came close to what I felt was love, but I rejected them all. I began to feel that I needed to get to know myself, that there was more to me under the surface than I thought.

Meeting Serge Benhayon

I had spent a few years dabbling in spiritual pursuits, but it wasn’t until late 2011 that I met a man who truly reflected love to me – true love. This man lived thousands of miles away on another continent but the sound of his voice during an online meditation presentation ignited something in me that resonated so deeply I cried with joy. How could true love be so far reaching I asked myself. This man’s name was Serge Benhayon. I wanted to find out more and so from that moment forward I began my foray into the teachings of The Ageless Wisdom. Meeting Serge was to change my life forever; what he presented was the truth and I wanted to find out more.

Serge had his own awakening to who he truly was when he was 35 years old, so it was in 1999 that he started Universal Medicine, a platform from which to present The Ageless Wisdom to anyone that was ready, and boy was I ready! The sound of his voice would make me melt; I could feel something but I didn’t really know what it was, I trusted everything he said – because my body knew it already. There was not a moment when I doubted what Serge presented – at some point we will all come to the truth, and for me, these teachings were the absolute truth of who we are and where we come from. Serge presented that we are all equal and that everything is energy.

At the beginning much of what Serge presented went straight over my head, but I had discovered the difference between spirit and Soul and this revelation (to me!) enabled me to begin the journey of healing which would lead to a deepening relationship of knowing myself, and I began to shed the layers of protection and hardness that I was living in and had been all my life.

I changed my diet

Through the connection to my body I changed my diet to foods that supported me: I cut out dairy, gluten, caffeine, refined sugar and alcohol. I was always slim but had a propensity to put on weight, but after changing my diet my weight stabilised. This told me that my body was sensitive and it reacted to certain foods, hence the weight gain. All that calorie counting and working out at the gym to keep slim was a waste of time; it worked short term but it wasn’t the answer … all I needed to do was love myself enough to change what I ate. I realised I ate for comfort, distraction and to not feel emotions or tension that bubbled up from time to time. With that realisation, I had a barometer to begin to feel what was going on for me emotionally, which in turn gave me the choice whether or what to eat, or not!

Over the next few years I had many healing sessions and attended Universal Medicine presentations. Serge visited the UK where I lived, so I attended and trained in many Sacred Esoteric Healing Modalities myself. My life changed immeasurably and my relationship with me changed too. I looked and felt better than I did when I was younger. I had more confidence and made many friends. I began to understand what life was all about and my insatiable appetite for truth kept me coming back for more,

What was the draw of this man called Serge Benhayon? He lives what he presents, and walks the talk. He treats everyone equally and with the utmost decency and respect. But I guess it is the quality of true love and energetic integrity that emanates from his body, and this is a quality that I had never felt before yet I recognised it straight away – and at some level this was me too.

I am made of love too, and it was this love that was missing from life. I had lost that connection with me – so it was time to deep dive into the Universe of me and re-connect with the Godliness that I knew deep down to be true. As a child I had often wondered what or where God was, and now I knew – it was not only all around me in this thing we call space, it is right inside me too.

Much has changed in my life

Much has changed in my life; I have my own business, an amazing ever-deepening relationship with the people in my life, I am no longer interested in one-night stands, nightclubs or dancing the night away.

I will no longer allow a man to abuse my body or take advantage of me. I am still healing my relationship with men, but first and foremost I am healing the relationship I have with myself, getting to know myself, to return to the place of love that resides within me.

There is much yet to learn on my journey of self-discovery, but there is no turning back. Humanity needs the reflection of a returning Son of God in the form of a sexy, vibrant, confident, sacred, delicate, funny (yes there is a sense of humour under there) young at heart woman who walks with grace and authority, who loves her job, is honest in exposing her ill ways, and who knows the truth, but above all is beginning to love and feel love again.

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  • By Anonymous

  • Photography: Rebecca W., UK, Photographer

    I am a tender and sensitive woman who is inspired by the playfulness of children and the beauty of nature. I love photographing people and capturing magical and joyful moments on my camera.